BAD ADVICE
FROM A
FLOR-IDIOT
I was lying in bed, and I said to myself, “Daniel (when I talk to myself
I refer to myself as Daniel), what an honor it is to constantly be able
to bequeath all my wisdom and knowledge to the mundane.” (In this
scenario you the reader are the mundane.) I am such a good person
for scrupulously guiding you all in life and ensuring each and every
one of you triumph and are constantly the best version of yourself
(though you’ll never be quiet as spectacular as I). So this month I
want to change things up a bit and teach you how you can be more
like me (I know the thought of being me turns you on - you dirty little
vixen).
Step one: Get a good night’s sleep – I never get one, so if you do,
stop it, stop it right now.
Step two: Eat a well-balanced meal – This is something I need to
google, I don’t actually know what that means but I have cookies in
the pantry, so let’s start there.
Once you have cookies, and a favorite brand of pop (yeah it’s pop you
little bitches), I recommend feeding the cats, getting on the couch,
and checking tinder to see if anyone has fallen in love with you
(Surprise! They haven’t).
After you’ve established you’ll probably die alone and no one will
notice for two or three days, pull a blanket over your head and hide
from the world for forty five minutes to eight hours. You truly cannot
over-hide from the world.
Now that you’ve wasted a large chunk of your day, go get lunch no
matter what time it is, and refer to the meal as lunch. I’m eating chips
and salsa. Mmm. So good.
If you truly want to embrace my amazing lifestyle, head to the grocery
store even though you have hoarded so much food you keep some in
the bathroom closet. Also, regale at the fact you have an actual closet
in the bathroom.
Step 14: The internet, what a crazy invention am I right? You
should dedicate a large chunk of your time to staring at it. Did you
know Goóglé is French, well French Canadian for “Wisdom Soup.” No,
I made that up. Sounds good though.
Step 102: Do a lot of making up of crap. I do and I turned out
fabulous. So fabulous in fact, that I write for a magazine, and I have
a fan base, and an article on how to be like me. You all make me so
proud to be your idol.
6 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JUNE 2020
MMM...So
Good!
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Next door to huc a poos in tybee oaks center
By Jimmy Prosser
/riversendcampground.com