JULY HOROSCOPE By Gage McKnight
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The name of your sign says it all. Cancer. Just like every relationship you have had and will have, your toxic emotional energy
is so draining that it takes a Pedialyte Popsicle from The Sand Bar for only $4.00, to literally hydrate us back to normal. If you really thought of anyone
but yourself, and wanted to do us all a favor, then you would kill the pity party and kick rocks. This month you should try folding up all of your clothes into
a box with handles and move on out of the life of everyone who has ever come in contact with you. Happy trails! I hear Russia is paying people to live
there at this point.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You’re so full of yourself aren’t you? How self-entitled could you possibly be? The rants and rumors about Leos are not a
conspiracy, you all are a bunch of stubborn asses, and no one can correct you without your inner Manson coming out. You’re too lazy to do the dirty work
yourself, so you have to find mindless followers to do it for you. The parasites that hide under the scum of the earth are a higher class in social status than
you. God said she will pray for you this month.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 24) - Vindictive, Vicious, and Vivacious, three words that describe myself. Three words that describe a Virgo: oblivious, aloof, and
dimwitted. You can’t help that you were the result of two crackheads who free based while you were in utero. On a more uplifting note, you have some
positive news coming your way, and no, it’s not the result of your STD tests. Good luck is actually coming towards you in this very moment. As a matter
of fact, I hear that the study your roommate signed you up for, for missing chromosomes, came back as a plus and you are about to receive a check for
$50! Good job!
Libra (Sept. 25 - Oct. 23) - Oh Libra, poor loser Libra, you have spent your entire life in following into others footsteps, always thinking ‘one day I’m going
to make it big,’ only to be shot down time after time. You have been hoping and praying that one day someone will notice you and take you where you
think you deserve to go. Well guess what Libra, this is your month! You will finally be recognized and taken to exactly where you are meant to be! Ever
heard of the phrase puts the lotion on the skin? You are in for the best time of your life, you go gurl!
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Error Msg 110: The number you are trying to contact is no longer in service.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The fact that you treat everyone who is kind to you like shit right after you get your attention fix from them, is just
savage, and not in a woke way. The reason you are the 12th month of the year is because you are the lowest of the low. If I had a dollar, wait no, 5 cents
for every time you build someone up just to tear them right back down, I would be able to Steve Jobs the next Bill Gates. Redemption is the next chapter
in store for you. You will find love where you never thought you could even imagine. Maybe a coworker, perhaps your boss, or maybe you will just ruin your
life and regret all you are missing out on. Stop being an ignoramus and take your head out of the sand pile you have built around it. Grow up buttercup
or be alone forever. Your choice.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Another month, another horoscope. Capricorn, this month the universe decided that you deserve nothing but the worst.
I’m talking the worst of the worst. If you have a pet, it’s running away; if you are in a relationship, they are cheating (probably with your best friend). Just
keep in mind that this month your life is going to be a living hell. I for one can’t wait to pop my jiffy, sit back, and laugh at you relentlessly.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 20) - The fact that the dead jellyfish all over the shores of Tybee have more personality than you, says a lot about you. The only
thing changing this month for you is your hairline. Even your hair has gotten bored of being on your head and decided to jump ship. Maybe you should
try doing something exciting this summer, like buy a boat or invest in toys that you can find in the pet isle of your local grocery store. Seriously, get a life
before you end up as the creepy old person that children make up theories about on their walks home, or before the FBI makes you a person of interest
in a major felony. Whatever you decide to do, make it count!
Pisces (Feb. 21 - March 20) - Listening to you speak is like what I can only imagine a therapist has to go through from a recently released convict.
News flash Pisces: NO ONE CARES! You are the type that craves attention so badly that you are the poster child for Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, and
ultimately you just end up performing some sort of degrading act and are back to your normal. We get it, you have severe Daddy issues, but for the love
of God, this month will you at least try to be a self-respecting alcoholic like everyone else on this island? You were hurt, someone bruised your ego, etc.
Man up and get the frack over it.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Dear Aries, your time is nigh, much like your alcoholic foster mom who kept you around just for the monthly checks and free
labor. As 2020 comes to its halfway mark, you seem to be lost. Don’t be discouraged, the rest of the year for you will be much like the first half - alone,
quarantined and getting rejected on Facetime calls. Actually, if you wanted to make a change for the good, then you should empty your cupboards Fatty,
and give it to the people who actually need to eat, not because they are bored like you.
Taurus (April 21 - May 20) - You have always been one to defend your loved ones honor. You are a ‘real blood is thicker than water’ type believer. You
would literally die for those of which you love, always putting everyone’s needs before your own. Unfortunately that means that you forget to take care of
yourself from time to long ass time. Your hygiene has taken a back seat sitting along your physical appearance, so in result your dating life has too. This
month you should put your backwards ass way of life friends on the back burner and focus on the twins it looks like you are carrying. Summer has arrived
Taurus and unfortunately so has your gut.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Do you ever look at your very best friend and think ‘God, I am the luckiest person in the world to have found someone that
is so compatible with me?’ Like every relationship you have ever had, has had the highest of highs and lowest of lows? Like things just happen to you as
you will them into existence? There’s a good reason for that actually. Your best friend is yourself in a mirror, your relationship is just your left hand, and
everything happening your way is just the night nurse at the local psychiatric hospital you were admitted to 15 years ago. Your round of shock therapy
should be wearing out as you finish reading this, so as you look around and realize you are still in your padded cell, its ok, just breathe and wait for your
pills to kick in.
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JULY 2020 23