A Miracle Life by Laurie Amber LaPorte
I drank. I drove. I killed.
And then I woke up in a cold cell. Confused.
Broken. Afraid. Empty. Alone.
How in the world had my life come to this?
Two innocent people were dead because of me.
I thought I had perfected my behavior. I
thought my life was under control. I was going
to be different, better than all those people who
had caused me so much pain. But now I was
the one hurting people and destroying lives.
What do you do when your behavior has
gone too far? How do you cope when you
wake up one day and see that the very thing
you loathed is what you have become? What
do you do when you realize that the demons
in your closet are the very same ones that your
family carried, except you have additional ones
added by your own decisions, your own bad
choices, and your own unacceptable behavior?
It’s a discovery that could have destroyed
me. Had it not been for the grace of God, I
wouldn’t have been able to live one more day.
I wanted to give up. Trust me. There seemed
to be no hope.
I felt so alone, so utterly hopeless. Death
seemed like a great choice…a logical choice…
the only choice. How else would the pain ever
stop?
On many occasions, I stepped up to the
finish line of life, prepared to cross it. Society
would have gladly let me pass by. In their eyes,
I didn’t deserve to live. Day after day, Death was
there, screaming and cheering, eager to claim
its third victim…me.
But I couldn’t do it.
Somehow, even in the darkness, I sensed the
voice of Love calling out to me, saying, “You’re
not alone, child. I’m here. And I love you. You
don’t have to carry this pain alone. Come to Me
and find rest for your weary soul.”
I accepted His invitation, and for the next
seven years, behind prison bars, Jesus walked
with me and helped me persevere through the
pain of guilt, fear, loneliness, and shame that
could have so easily consumed me. He placed
me in
a faith-based dorm where I learned how
to worship, study God’s Word, and pray. I found
peace
through His music, guidance through His
Word,
and comfort through prayer.
Jesus also walked with into my new life when
I was released from prison. He has lovingly led
me from that day until now and has picked me
up time and time again.
Surrendering to the love of God wasn’t easy
for me. I’d not had a person demonstrate the
concept of true, unconditional love. I didn’t
know what love should look like. The only
people that “cared” for me were those who
wanted something from me.
Because of the rejection and abuse from
people who should have loved me, it took me
a long time to trust God and His Word, even
though I knew He was God. I thought His
promises were for other people, not for me.
How could anything good be in store for a
sinner like me?
There’s not enough space here to tell the
sad details of my childhood and young adult
life. Suffice it to say that, beginning at age six,
I endured one traumatic event after another
including verbal, mental, and sexual abuse. I
also lost the only person who ever truly loved
me. The continuous yelling, hitting, drinking,
and belittling in my home took a toll on my
young
mind and shattered my heart to pieces.
What do you
do when your
behavior has gone
too far? How do
you cope when
you wake up one
day and see that
the very thing you
loathed is what you
have become?
Eventually, the anger and hate my family
displayed became my own. And my heart
grew cold.
I hid my pain deep within. I fought the anger
that tried to control me. And I hated everyone
around me.
Hiding. Fighting. Hating. These were my
coping mechanisms.
If only I had sought help for my broken heart.
But where could I have gone? Who would have
helped me? There seemed to be no good
choice. So I pressed on.
Hiding. Fighting. Hating. Drowning my pain
in alcohol. Manipulating my way with lies. With
each passing day, my thinking became more
twisted and my heart more dark.
In due time, I fell apart. Like a ticking time
bomb, I exploded. Killing others. Shattering
lives.
But there in that shattered mess was God,
ready to help me pick up the pieces and
rebuild my life. He’s always been by my side.
I’d just never considered His presence in all the
darkness of my life. Was God really there amid
all that pain? Yes, He was. I’d caused much of it,
but He was helping me through it. Loving me.
Giving me the strength to live one more day.
If only I had reached out to Him sooner, I
could have avoided so much pain and loss. But
there is no going back or undoing what is done.
There is only the choice to move forward in a
different way and be thankful for the pain that
led me to my future. The pain that led me to the
greatest love of all…God.
wouldn’t been more wanted give Trust seemed
to no me to wors
Jesu
r
fro
tim
Surr
me
concep
know
people
wanted
Beca
people
long
though
promis
c
sinner
The
de
Su
I endu
includi
lo
Th
and be
24 kojministries.org Issue 4 2017 Photography by Timothy Smith/Honor Photography
/kojministries.org