The Double Standard? By J. Beebs
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | MAY 2019 35
As the proud father of a son and a daughter, I’d like to think I’ve done my
best to avoid any bias towards favoring one child over the other. This must be a
big deal, because all the experts and parenting books stress equality between
siblings and to never tell a child they are the favorite. Of course, I failed at this
sage advice. Primarily because the day I received my son’s college tuition bill, I
turned and told my daughter that she was my favorite. Sorry son. I will love you
so much more in four years.
But all kidding aside, for those of us who are blessed with both boys and girls,
there’s an extra level of complexity. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying any
parenting is easy. But if you have a single child, or a group all the same flavor,
I’m thinking it’s less complex. And if you don’t believe me, just wait until your
kids get to high school and start dating. Because dating is where we find out just
what kind of parent you’re going to be.
I have a friend who is blessed with a daughter. And he has a very simple
rule - no boys. Ever. Anywhere. At least until she is forty. Philosophically, when
you run an all daughter house, you might get away with this theory. And, as an
added bonus, when you have an all daughter house, you get some added trash
talking perks when you are talking to the lads at the pub. “Anything a boy does
to my daughter, I’m doing to him!” is the go-to line if you are in the all daughter
house. Naturally, you can back this trash talk up with the fact that you aren’t
afraid of prison, and frequently mention your large collection of knives and guns.
Spin enough of this and by the time your daughter gets to high school, any boy
that has the nerve to arrive at your doorstop will be wondering exactly what the
old man is going to do. Keep them on their toes!
On the other side, we have close friends who have been blessed with three
sons. They just kept trying for the daughter, but after three boys, they sort
of decided they know what the deal is for #4. I’ll admit - there’s some extra
complexity here, because anytime the kids outnumber the parents, you can’t
play man-to-man defense anymore and have to go to zone. But I’m sticking
with my argument that running a zone for all girls or all boys is less complicated
than running a zone for boys and girls. Any rate, in this family, since the dad is
running an all son house, there is no +1 bonus for trash talking. No, the bonus of
the all son house is that the toilet seats are always up, at least for the formative
years. Sorry ladies. The parental philosophy of the all son house is something
along the lines of ‘always be a gentleman.’ And that seemed fair enough to me,
until the dad pointed out that when the boys got to high school, he changed that
to ‘wear a condom!’
And that’s where I realized I was in danger of falling into the double standard.
As the parent of a son and a daughter, I get where both these dads are coming
from. But as I thought about it, am I really ok with telling my son to go do
whatever, but my daughter had to avoid boys until she is 40? Of course not. But
I wasn’t sure what my parenting philosophy on dating should be. So I made the
rule that neither one could date until they made a varsity sport, which bought me
two extra years. And I felt good about that. But inevitably the junior year came,
and with it came dating.
My son is older, so he went through it first. He went on a few formal dates, and
I was happy for him, and a little sad for me, because I realized time was flying.
He looked great, the girls looked great. His junior year he went to a few formals,
and I remember thinking I can’t afford any more corsages. But in general, I didn’t
ask a lot of questions. I did explain to him that I really didn’t want to be an early
grandfather, and that he was old enough where some decisions have lasting
consequences. And I quoted the wise and talented Jay Z and him to “Choose
Wisely.” I’m not sure Dr. Spock would have approved, but somehow we made it.
And then my daughter passed the varsity threshold and went on a formal date.
The boy showed up, and he was a nice enough kid. Smart, likable, charming.
But for some reason, I had this split second knuckle dragger urge to kick his ass
out of the house and tell my daughter she could never leave. Until she was 40!
Where did that come from? Did I feel that compulsion with #1 son? No, dear
readers, no I did not!
Fortunately, I realized kicking a homecoming date out of the house was not
a good parenting response, so I played it cool. I gave my daughter the same
speech about decisions and consequences, and told her to “Choose Wisely”
before she left. And then she whisked out the door with a swirl of her dress, and
my wife and I looked at each other in sheer panic, which I don’t remember that
occurring when my son went on his first formal date. I mean yes, there were
some nerves, but panic? I’d like to think the shared panic was because she was
the baby – the last in the nest – and we were having pre-separation anxiety. But
I have to ask myself – was it because she was the baby - or was it because she
was the DAUGHTER?
I mean I realize this makes me shallow, but why do I always cry at the fatherdaughter
dances at weddings? I don’t cry at the mother-son dance. I like to
think I’m a progressive thinking guy, but I’ll admit I’m walking a line on a double
standard. But dammit, the fact is, I’m an adult! I can be logical and apply a fair
standard to both my son and daughter.
But still… there is something about a daughter that makes you want to tell her
she can’t leave the house until she’s 40 because … well, reasons. And mainly
because I don’t want her to leave. Although now that I think about it - I didn’t
want my son to leave either. You know what, screw it – they are all moving back
in! It’s time to come back! No double standard here. They are both staying!
For a second, I felt much better. But somehow, I don’t think that’s going to
work. Baby birds leave the nest for a reason, right?
So now we are at the senior year of the #1 Daughter. She’s ready to fly off to
college and spread her wings. And even though I want to tell her “stay here with
us,” I know that’s not how it works. So I’m going to be brave. I’ll drop her off at
college in the fall. I’m going to squeeze her tight… and tell her to Choose Wisely.