MOVIE REVIEW
34 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | NOV 2019
CRAWL
By Alaina Loughridge
Y’all seriously don’t realize the lengths I go to for this magazine. If you have ever read the BC for more than a month, you know that I live to write the movie
review. Well, I really took one for the team on this one. I didn’t leave my couch and so I probably am getting what I deserve, but at the same time, I still paid
Direct TV $21.99, so I should actually receive some kind of valiant effort award to be honest. Thank God I didn’t leave my couch! I got roped in by the description
about a Cat 5 Hurricane in Florida, wherein the dad is nowhere to be found and the daughter goes into super sketchy situations to find him. O.K. We do that
here, so I thought it might be relatable. Um. No.
This is the movie that was on at 9pm when you were 12 years old and your parents told you to go to bed early so they could watch it and be naughty. 30
years later, this movie should have been on the SciFy channel for the 3pm matinee where your dad is still at work, but your mom is hitting the wine selection
of the month and all your friends are over because your parents are the cool ones.
It’s just dumb. Flat ass dumb. Dumb girl goes to find her dumb dad in a hurricane and breaks the rules to get to him. He ends up passed out in the cellar of
their original family home for reasons unknown. When daughter finds Dad, she also finds a gigantic crocodile that is very hungry, but for some reason hasn’t
eaten Dad, who is lying on the cellar floor. When daughter finds Dad after an exhausting search (mostly for the viewer) he’s still in one piece, but daughter
gets bit by this gigantic reptile at the knee. Now, I’ve never this seen this happen in reality, but there is no way in blue hell that one gets bit at the knee joint
by a gigantic reptile and continues to walk. Not only does this girl continue to walk and run, but the bleeding is minimal. I literally got up, made a five-minute
microwavable munchie, went to the bathroom, played with the cat, called a friend and bought stuff on Amazon while this suck fest was happening. Ugh. Literally
the only thing that kept me upright during this was the fact that it was 11am. So disappointed in Hollywood right now. I mean, me and Victor Loudermilk could
have made a better movie with him hiding behind a palm tree.
This movie gets 4 bottles of Barton’s vodka with no mixer and no fruit and one bottle of Aristocrat because Barry Pepper is the dad and I love him as an actor,
but he does need to read his next script whilst sober and perhaps fire his agent. I’m gonna throw in an extra bottle of 1841 Veuve Clicquot at the markdown
price of $34,000, because the family dog named Sugar was technically the best actor in this mess and I love dogs. So, there you have it. I want my money back.