14 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | NOV 2020
By Hollie Sessoms
A Covid
Thanksgiving
Ah! Thanksgiving 2020. What joys await us! But how will it look? Will
we still be fighting with Uncle Eddie about politics? Will we even know
who won the presidency? Will COVID take a turn for the worse? Will the
zombie apocalypse be upon us? So many questions….
There are a few ways we can go about Thanksgiving in this year of
hardships, this year of loneliness, this year of which we will never
speak once January 1 gets here:
1. Go Virtual! If safety is your game, then virtual is your name. A Zoom
Thanksgiving is 100% guaranteed not to pass on the Coronavirus.
Everything has gone virtual this year, from school to drinks with
the girls. Hell, they even want us to pay for virtual concerts! If it’s
good enough for Arianna Grande, it’s good enough for Grandma. Just
imagine a virtual Thanksgiving…you’re eating your turkey and gravy
in the comfort of your home, watching all the football you want out of
the corner of your eye and muting Aunt Edna when she starts to drone
on about how lazy your generation is. True family harmony just may be
achieved if we never have to see each other face to face again.
2. Drive by Turkey! You’ve seen those drive by birthday celebrations,
right? Well…why not drive by Thanksgiving? You stay in the safety of
your own car and pull up to have Mom feed you a spoonful of mashed
potatoes, then you drive away before she can ask why you’re still single.
Do a loop, come back around, get a forkful of cranberry sauce and hear
about how Alice Taylor down the street has a new grandbaby and drive
away before she can ask if you’re planning on being barren for the
rest of your life. One more trip for some pumpkin pie and a promise to
spend more time with her once that vaccine is ready. Vaccines take a
really long time to develop, right? Please tell me I’m right….
3. Put on that PPE! If you absolutely insist on sitting at a table with
family and friends, the only way you can be sure to keep your germs to
yourself is to don some protective equipment. Go all out: yellow plastic
suiting, rubber gloves, face shield. Or just put yourself in a bubble.
You won’t be able to eat any of those candied sweet potatoes, but just
being in the presence of delicious food is all you need.
4. Skip it! You know you bought way too many quarantine snacks and
put on the COVID 20 over these past months. You know you did. I’m an
overachiever, so I put on the COVID 30. Couldn’t we all use a little break
from fatty food? Would it be so horrible if we had to forgo the pecan
pie that has like 500,000 calories per slice? Take a moment to dwell on
your flabby midsection before you answer.
5. Screw It! Life is inherently risky. To pretend otherwise is foolish.
Embrace the risk. And Grandma.
/java-and-juice