since attended numerous other trainings
in the same modality of therapy. One thing
I love about DBT is that it truly can be applied
to such a variety of individuals and has
shown efficacy in a wide variety of populations.
I also find that, as a clinician, I often
turn to many of the principles that are taught
by Dr. Linehan, not solely with self-care, but
also with helping teach my own children
some of the interpersonal skills, emotion
dysregulation tactics, coping mechanisms,
and learning how to tolerate distress. Most
importantly (at least in this very moment),
I also find that the emphasis on mindfulness
is even more important than ever.
What does this mean for us? It means that by
practicing some of these skills, we can begin to
experience better self-awareness and grounding.
We can cultivate relaxation, growth, and
ease. We can learn to be better communicators
and, quite possibly, better versions of ourselves.
One of the hallmark tenets of DBT is
the recognition that, in life, there are dialectical
‘tensions,’ in which multiple opinions can be
simultaneously true. As we know, at any given
moment, we are doing the best that we can, but
we also know that we can strive to do better: dialects
that we experience all the time and those
that are especially important at this time.
Here are some of the basic components
of DBT:
Mindfulness: Mindfulness is being present,
fully present, in the moment. Not wishing for
things to rush forward and not fixating on the
past—after all, there is nothing that we can do
to change it. But, we can learn from it, right?
So, what are some ideas for mindfulness—
ones that we can do in the safety of our own
homes?
Cook.
Play board games.
Write a book (and have your kids
‘animate’ it)
Make s’mores outside.
Take a bubble bath.
Read together.
Rollerblade (we have brought this back
from the 90s, and I can certainly say that
my skills are not nearly as good as they
used to be—but, let’s not judge).
Color.
Paint.
Eat dinner—and really sit and talk (no
electronics).
We have learned to be a distracted society
(always doing a million different things). Stop
being on autopilot and check back into your
lives. Your kids will thank you! And, you will,
too. It is common to become distracted. Try
not to judge yourself; simply check back into
the activity you’re doing. It is OK. Even those
of us who have been practicing for years can
become easily distracted!
Interpersonal Skills: Learn how to better
communicate your wants, desires, and goals.
We are particularly good at saying yes to everything
and anything. But, what about if we
don’t want to actually do everything? We’re
just saying yes to be the people-pleasers that
we have learned to be? When we’re sitting at
your computer at 9 pm and the kids are asking
for the millionth time, “Mom! Come tuck me
in!” It’s easy to really begin hating what you’re
doing because you’re tired. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.
Every part of you wants to cuddle
in bed and listen to lullabies, putting your
kiddos to bed.
So, resentment builds. But, who is the real
source of our anger? The boss? Sure. How
do you justify anger if you are your own boss?
But, really, we need to learn to say no to the
things that don’t enrich our lives and say yes
more to the things that we really want to do.
Trust me, you will want to make time and be
more motivated to do those things that really
mean yes to you. We need to learn how to self
advocate. We need to learn the art of negotiation.
We need to teach our kids that it is okay
to be selfish at times, as long as we are selfless
at other times.
Emotion Dysregulation: I love this term:
dys—not; regulation—maintaining stability.
Think of a toddler. You’re in a grocery store
and your toddler asks for the M&M’s in the
check-out line. Oh no. You politely and quietly
say no. Then you try to reason with them
(bad idea). Then you get louder (stand your
ground—another bad idea). Then they’re
shouting and you are shouting and turning
beet red. You are not happy and your toddler
is not happy. And, your first instinct is to bolt.
Second scenario. As a psychologist, teacher,
or parent, perhaps you’ve been asked to speak
with a young person who seems to have serious
behavioral issues. Your task is to try to help
‘problem solve.’ You provide him with a possible
scenario that “someone takes your jello
at lunch.” How do you feel and what do you
do? Truth be told, the “appropriate” answer is
to “speak to the adult monitoring the cafeteria.”
The answers I have been given include:
“punch them in the face, steal it back, kill
them.” Clearly, these are not appropriate responses,
but it tells us a lot about how this
particular person has ‘learned’ to function.
A different person given a similar scenario,
might internalize and binge eat ice cream
(another problem, albeit a form of ineffective
coping). Some have learned (appropriately so)
to share how that makes them feel. But, what
about when the tension escalates? What tools
can we use to respond to this feedback?
Learn to understand our emotions.
Fear=concerns that something will be
taken from us; anxiety=us not having
control over what we know or desire to
be ‘true.’ Anger=feeling unheard, feeling
belittled, being treated in a manner that
we don’t feel is right. Let’s learn to identify
what we are feeling and and what happened
that led us to these feelings. Once
we uncover the real ‘feeling,’ not the surface,
we can start to treat it appropriately.
Learn how to accumulate positive experiences
by building in little things that
we know we enjoy or expect to enjoy. For
example, after working for three hours,
I’m going to give myself a little reward
(e.g., coffee, walk around the block, play
with the dog).
Build mastery. Learn a new talent and
master it. A dear friend of mine in her
60s just decided that she is going to
learn to play the guitar. She has learned
one song thus far in the last six months.
I think that’s awesome; we can all learn
and get lost in it. You do you!
Anticipate a coping strategy. if you
know you will be in a stressful situation,
what will (and can) make it better and
more manageable? Bring a book, listen
to a podcast, plan something fun after.
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