Finally, Distress Tolerance: This is a hard
one and should not be considered “tolerance
/acceptance.” We are all going to experience
distress, and we can all learn how to cope to
the best of our abilities. Tolerance does not
mean that we have to like it, either; however,
given that there is much of life that is out of
our control, we must do with it what we can.
This reminds me of the film Life is Beautiful.
This movie reminds us that, even if the midst
of horrible situations, much can be changed
by how we perceive it and what we make of
it. (This, by no means, suggests that what is
happening is not deplorable.) So, what are out
options?
Improve the moment: If the electricity
goes out (and it is temporary), let’s have a
flashlight read-along. If things are stressful,
let’s pause and figure out what (in
this moment) can make things a little,
even if is just a tiny a morsel better? If
I have to wait longer at a doctor’s appointment
than anticipated, can I read a
book that I’ve been wanting to read for a
while? If I get, oh, let’s see—locked into
my house with my kids for ten months—
can I be grateful to have this time with
my safe, rambunctious kids? And, then,
play games? Rollerblade? Read? Give
them time to be kids while I get my time
adulting? Learn how to cook something?
Learn knitting with them or making a
million friendship bracelets?
Radical acceptance: I am not only going
to accept what is happening, but I am
going to put my all into it. So, if I’m going
to stay in my house for this amount of
time, I am going to redesign my living
room. I am going to give back to others if
possible. I am going to accomplish all of
these things that I have wanted to do for
some time. I am going to allow my feelings
to upset me for only a short period
of time and then I’m going to bounce
back. Further. And, higher.
Change of atmosphere: If I’m really
feeling deflated and as though I am going
to crumble, I might change my atmosphere
drastically. I will go running and
increase my adrenaline and give myself
a runner’s high. I will go shower in ice
cold water (hey, it will take your mind off
things). I will hold a piece of ice in my
hand (which we have done in psychiatric
hospitals) and I promise, you will feel
different things. Sometimes we have to,
quite literally, change our physiological
response to stop ourselves in our spiral.
Hit the ‘reset’ button, if you will.
Self-soothing: I will relax in a bath. I
will make cookies and smell the aroma. I
will wrap myself in a cozy fleece blanket.
I will go outside to fresh air. I will listen
to quiet, beautiful music.
Practice gratitude: It’s human nature
to compare ourselves to others. But, is
it really helpful? The reality is that the
more that we try to grow into who we
want to be and give it time, patience,
and respect, we will become that person.
Our past helps to shape us. Often, the
very things we perceived as being ‘bad'
were huge growth opportunities that
eventually helped us to feel better. Ask
yourself: In five years, will I be proud
of what I did or how I acted? The reality
is, we could all use a little more
appreciation, kindness, and flexibility
(even applied to ourselves).
I have used some of these DBT skills on a variety
of individuals, myself included. I have
seen the beauty of DBT and how people benefit
so greatly from it. There is a philosophy
that you cannot and should not ‘make’ people,
who are willful (i.e,. stubborn, unwilling, nonmotivated)
do things that they do not want to
do. However, with time and exposure, seeing
others feeling content—even happy, people
often learn that they, too, want to be happy.
So, as Dr. Linehan would say, “Let me know
when you’re ready, and let’s go together.”
Remember, you are not alone…
For more on DBT, consider reading
Dr. Linehan’s books. They just might change
your perspective.
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