Parenting on
the Same Page
What Do I Do If My Child Doesn’t Like Her Teacher?
by Tim Seldin
Especially since many
schools have been forced
online by Covid, we
have received some letters
from parents asking this question:
What should we do if our child
doesn't like or bond with her teacher
(in person or online)?
In a normal year, our advice would
typically be to first go to the
teacher and try to have an honest
conversation directly as adults.
Sometimes children just don't
feel comfortable, initially, with
an adult, and the teacher may not
even realize it. Meeting with the
teacher is not only more respectful
than bypassing the teacher and
going around their back to the
administration, but it also allows
you (as a parent) to get a sense
of what this person is really like.
You may have already had your
family conference, or maybe it is
just coming up. It would, typically,
be a good time to have a conversation.
Normally, without judgment,
you would want to say something
like this: “I feel a little uncomfortable
about bringing this up,
but my child is saying that she’s
really not feeling connected to to
you or the class. Are you sensing
anything on your end that might
help us figure this out together?
What can we do from our end
to support both our child, you,
and the class as a whole?”
Quite often, that will lead to an
improvement in the situation
or might lead both you and the
school to decide that it makes
sense to consider switching the
child from one class to another.
There are a lot of factors involved
with this sort of decision.
First, you certainly don't want to
have a teacher feel disrespected
and dismayed when really all
that might be happening is the
Children may not be finding school to be the
same as what they’ve known in the past,
and they may be experiencing a sense of
disconnection or sadness that they don’t
really know how to put into words.
chemistry isn't clicking between
you, your child, and this particular
teacher. It's not uncommon
for children to go through
a spell where they feel out of
place or disconnected, even in
the best of conditions. In this
year of Covid, stress is much
higher in many cases for everyone:
parents; teachers; administrators;
and, of course, children.
While this is not universally true,
(many people are doing just fine,
and children tend to be incredibly
resilient) we have to take
this stress into account as we
evaluate situations as educators
and parents.
Switching class mid-year, especially
in a Montessori school,
where the relationship will
normally last for three years,
shouldn't be done lightly. It's not
good for the class; it can be demoralizing
for a teacher; it can
suggest to other parents that
there's something wrong with the
class when there really isn’t; and
it can actually throw a monkey
wrench into your child’s education.
It is not easy for a child to
make the transition, leaving her
friends behind, and having to
get used to another community
of children. However, sometimes
making a change is the right decision.
The best advice is to work
together in partnership (the child,
the teacher, the parent, and the
school as a whole) to try to figure
out what is best for everyone. We
take these sorts of situations very
seriously and don't make changes
lightly. It is not like exchanging
a sweater that you feel is the
wrong color and swapping it out
for another.
On the other hand, we need to
take into account that (again) everyone
may be under more stress,
including your child; children
may not be finding school to be
the same as what they’ve known
in the past, and they may be experiencing
a sense of disconnection
or sadness that they don't really
know how to put into words. If
you hear (or sense) that something
is just not right this year,
you can work together with the
school to think it through. One
piece of advice I would normally
give is that, unless the situation is
really unacceptable by any reasonable
determination, it is usually
wise to ask is if this good enough?
This year, situations may not be
what we wish they were. Many of
us are having that sense of anxiety,
depression, or just asking “When
will this all go back to normal?”
We need to determine if the relationship
is truly broken or if it is
best to bear with it to see if it improves.
Quite often it does.
Obviously, if you approach your
child’s teacher and their reaction
is defensive or resentful, or
if you’re left with some level of
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