In Need of a Safe Word By J. Beebs
I was surfing the internet the other day, when a picture of Miley Cyrus flashed up on the screen. She’s in a stunning black dress, standing next to
her husband, Liam Hemsworth, in a tuxedo. (Disclaimer: My wife informs me that Liam Hemsworth is ALL CAPS H-O-T! Whatever!)
Any rate, Miley is standing next to Liam, and he has this look on his face that sort of says, “Did I leave the garage door open?” And Miley is looking
up at Liam, and I realize he’s in trouble because Miley has this irritated look on her face. I recognize that look. As a dude, and speaking on behalf
of all dudes, yes, we know this look. I’ve seen it occasionally from the females in my life, and it’s never pleasant. Fortunately, Miley has tagged the
photo, saying, “He’s in trouble. He didn’t let me stand on my good side.” So we know what she’s thinking – a first for every guy on the planet! I need
to invent an app that attaches floating twitter tags to people as they walk down the street. I could sell it to every dude on the planet, or I could just
keep it and everyone would think I’m the dude from the What Women Want movie. (Don’t worry dudes, I’m selling it – I’m cashing out!)
But it was looking at this Miley & Liam picture that I realized women just communicate differently than we do. There’s like 28 layers of
communication that happen simultaneously, including that elusive, higher level ‘silent communication’ layer that is just beyond my comprehension.
I guess what I’m saying here fellas, is women just use a combination of looks, hand gestures, and body language that just completely escape me.
I mean I just watch my wife and her sisters, and they usually have multiple conversations going on, in multiple languages all over the house, and
there are hands flying, looks of amazement and disbelief, some exclamations, and occasionally – mysteriously – all the conversations line up in
joint screams and laughter. I have no idea what happened on any conversation.
I’m pretty sure this is how my dog must feel when he watches me talk. He knows something is being said, but isn’t really sure what it is. So, just
like my dog, when I notice the conversation volume rising, accompanied by quizzical looks flying back and forth between the ladies, I just sort of
mentally scrunch low to the floor and hope it passes without incident.
I was at the pub the other day, and I mentioned to the boys that I had noticed the ladies have a whole different level of language that somehow
we didn’t get the owner’s manual on. I guess we really are from Mars or whatever. “You know,” I said, taking a drink, “It’s a wonder we could talk
to each other long enough to figure out how to sustain the species.”
And that is where someone chimed in, “I’m thinking it’s all because of the Safe Word.” And the conversation naturally went straight downhill
from there, and is probably not fit to ever repeat. But to summarize our very unhealthy discussion, I learned that a safe word is a prearranged and
unambiguous signal to end a sexual activity. Evidently, just yelling ‘Stop – you’re an asshole!’ doesn’t work, because in some bondage relationships,
yelling ‘Stop, you’re an asshole!’ when your lover pulls out an industrial power tool with a look of love, is considered just part of the fun. But if you
yell ‘Pineapple!’ which my research reveals is the most agreed upon safe word for us Americans, then your lover will sigh (sadly), and return all
industrial tools back to the garage.
So I’m trying to blend this idea of twitter tags and safe words, and I’ve decided I’m a fan of the safe word. But why limit it to sex?
For example, Miley knew instantly ‘the look’ was not interpreted by Liam, why couldn’t she have just whispered, “Uh, Honey, have I ever showed
you that documentary on Sacajawea?” Liam would know instantly that he is in very dangerous territory, assuming their real life safe word was
Sacajawea. (By the way, that’s #2 on the list of American Safe Words.) A single word is much more efficient than Miley having to explain the whole
situation about good sides and bad sides in front of the paparazzi. The safe word is economical and neat and it quickly puts you on the same page.
Or when I’m a few drinks in, and start cussing every other word, which doesn’t impress my wife at all, but it makes me laugh wildly, my wife could
abandon “the look,” which doesn’t work anyway and say, “Honey, I was at the store the other day, and I saw the most amazing Chrysanthemums.”
And I would instantly go stone sober and mumble my apologies to the boys. (Yep, #3 – on the top list of American Safe Words: Chrysanthemums.)
Again, no need for her to provide a long explanation about how the kids are running wild in the streets and they might require adult supervision. Just
throw a safe word out there, and we are on the road! Simple!
Or how about when you go to the Roadster show and you see that sweet 1972 short wide Chevy, and you’re ready to write the check, when you’re
wife comes up and just says “Fishsticks!” and you’re like “oh yeah,” and even the guy you’re buying the truck from says, “Seriously, fish sticks?”
because he knows a safe word has been thrown out there. And you all move away from the truck shaking your heads sadly. (Yes, Fish sticks is #4. I
did point out that technically, fish sticks is two words, but found no traction on this in our pub conversation, so we are pretending it’s one.)
And to complete the top five list of safe words for Americans as defined by my drinking friends, #5 is Omaha. (Shout out to the Payton Manning
Fan Club!) Which seems a bit awkward for those of you who live in Omaha, but hey – I report – you decide. Omaha is #5.
Frankly, I think I’m onto something here. If you ladies could just give us the list of Safe Words for Life – perhaps a bit better than the five I’ve
suggested, I’m pretty sure us guys could analyze this list and discuss various strategies on what to do for each word at our weekly pub meetings
– kinda like a playbook. (Although I’m guessing our united response to every one of those words would be to mentally scrunch low to the floor and
hope it passes without incident. Just like the dog does.)
So until next month, here’s to mentally lying low, and avoiding any circumstances where you hear any combination of #Pineapple#Sacajewa#C
hrysanthemum#Fishsticks#Omaha! Or whatever your own safe word might be. Unless you’re into that sort of thing?
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | APR 2019 15