The Greatest Story Ever Told (well, written)
You may want to borrow my suspenders because I’m about to knock
your pants off.
As I quickly run out of ideas, since y’all hoodlums never bother to ask
me any questions, this month we’re taking Bad Advice from a Beach
Bum and changing it into “Shart Tank! by a Beach Bum.” A place
where I bring all my shitty ideas to the public, and maybe some rich
venture capitalist who lives on the north end near the lighthouse and
who knows a good investment idea when they see one will give me
money to make all of my creations come to life. Get out your check
books. Just kidding. Venmo me.
Invention #1: Cream Cheese in a squeeze bottle. We can squeeze
ketchup, peanut butter and jelly (not jam, for obvious reasons). So
why not squeeze cream cheese? Bagel me up bro. I already emailed
Philadelphia, the city. I was unaware they have nothing to do with
cream cheese, and starting out an email to the mayor “hey idiot” did
not return the results I had hoped for. But this is a seldom discussed
problem. Bagels don’t require plates, they have a convenient finger
hole. Why should I be forced to bring a knife into the equation just to
cream it up with cheese? Squeeze and go. Squeeze and go.
Invention #2: Digital Pigeon Feeder. Don’t you just hate the older
generation, how they’re always walking around, not looking at their
phones (what’s up with that by the way?). Well I have a solution. You
know what old people love? Feeding birds. I don’t understand the
fascination, but I’m an ideas guy. So, we build an app for your phone or
tablet that allows you to feed the pigeons FOR FREE. But, there’s ads.
Now, if you want to pay a one-time $1.99, you can get the duck feeder
app with no ads. For a monthly subscription of $9.99 you can get the
bald eagle feeder app. A majestic red, white and blue bald eagle who
is a registered voter and every time you toss it bread crumbs it says,
“Use all the social security, and leave nothing for the millennials.” This
is so sure fire I’m like a cartoon character with dollar signs for eyes.
Invention #3: The Undo Button. You know what microwaves need,
besides an option to text you when your food is done instead of blaring
that high decibel screech? They need an undo button. Cooked your hot
pocket too long? Molten lava inside? Just put it back in the microwave
and hit undo. It will (once a group of scientists figure it out) undo the
cooking by the time selected. “Oh crud! I over cooked this mug of
16 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | APR 2019
By Jimmy Prosser
water by 20 seconds because I’m too lazy to use the stove.” Well, fear
not, put the mug back in, hit 30 undo. And stand there, because, well,
you know you have to stop the microwave before it beeps, so give
yourself a 10 second window to pop that door back open before the
final buzzer. Hot water to perfection. So simple, and elegant. People
are going to think the Queen of England herself invented this. She’s
fancy. Don’t you want to be fancy too?
Invention #4: Instant Baked Potato. Like instant mashed potatoes,
except it’s a baked potato. Just add water. And all of this can be
accomplished by the same scientists who make my undo button work.
Pour the dehydrated potato on a plate, add water, and microwave for
as long as your little heart desires (remember you can always undo it
if you over cook it). Bam. Instant Baked Potato. Through science I bet
anything is possible. I have aspirations.
Invention #5: Hobo Mace. This one is self-explanatory. *edit: only
works on hobos with bindles. Cannot be used on the garden variety
found in Savannah’s City Market.
Invention #6: Shrimp Spray. Have you ever been eating a bagel with
squeeze bottle cream cheese (no you haven’t, because no one will
help me achieve my dreams) and thought, this would be better if it
tastes like shrimp. Well, one spritz, two spritz, and voilà - now it taste
like shrimp. People, listen, we can spray butter. We can spray tan.
We can even spray paint. So why not here and now, in 2019 or 2020,
not sure what year it is, do we not have the option, NAY! The right to
spray shrimp on anything we want. I want to make spray lobster, but
the world’s not ready. Start small, spray shrimp, then spray prawns,
THEN spray lobster. The answers been right here in front of us this
whole time.
Invention #7: Road Rage Roid. We’ve all been stuck behind a driver
we hate, and this is the south so we’re not allowed to honk, that’s
considered the 8th deadly sin. Well, what if I have a solution that is
better than honking? The Road Rage Roid. Every car will be fitted
with an explosive device, every licensed driver gets one vote a year.
If you find a moronic driver you hate more than life itself, cast your
one vote of the year. If that moronic driver collects 10 votes - well,
kaboom. I think this will incentivize people to become better drivers
when they risk getting blown up. Afraid of being blown up? Just walk
or bike everywhere until the second week of January, by that point
most drivers will have cast their annual vote and you should be good
to go. If you’re a horrible driver, maybe just stop driving all together.
But seriously, if you’re a horrible driver maybe just stop driving all
together.
Look at me, I’m semi-attractive so you know these inventions will
help bring us in to the future. We live in a world where the Verizon guy
can deflect to Sprint, so anything is possible. I just need your money,
a group of scientists, tenure, or a nice severance package when you
realize I have no follow through. I love you all.