Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) - You’ve already started planning your “Anti Valentines” party that no one ever shows up to because you’re consistently the
5th wheel with every friendship you have ever had (due to the fact that you’re a self-sabotaging monster, whose only true friend is the frozen pizza in
your freezer) but don’t fret, your pity party this year will include the cat that you just adopted to justify the fact that: 1.) You’re unlovable, and 2.) He’s
just not that into you.
Pisces (Feb 20 - March 20) - The gods have really been looking out for you this year. The prison pen-pal you’ve been writing to ever since your spouse
left you is finally being released and is ready to swim up your stream Pisces. I would advise that this Valentine’s Day you invest in furry handcuffs, lube,
and life alert because you won’t be getting up. Next year I would suggest letting tequila and Calgon take you away.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Don’t be surprised this Valentine’s Day when your partner finally admits that they have been sleeping with their co-worker
for months now. Knowing your annoyingly peppy personality, the world is shocked that this hasn’t happened to you a thousand times over. That being
said, this Valentine’s it’s time to take off the pearls/tie, throw on some leather and put your annoying high energy to use. And if you can’t find anyone
who wants to be around you (this is 99% bound to happen), then do us all a favor, put an ad on Craigslist for someone to sneak into your house and
smother you with a pillow.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Your ego has always gotten the best of you, from over compensating with a nice car, to paying for your own pleasure.
God forbid someone mention the little blue pill you need to take. But this Valentine’s Day the stars have aligned just for you. Not only will you meet
someone who can stand to be around you, but it also could turn into something long term. I’m sure you will have an amazing life with your cellmate,
they’ve been waiting a long time for you.
Gemini (May 22 - June 22) - Your bipolar nature and charismatic personality can grab anyone’s attention, but when someone admits feelings, you
run away like a campy 80’s female at Camp Crystal. With you it’s kill or be killed and this Valentine’s Day the only dinner that will be served are your
organs on Hannibal’s plate. You’re a psychotic POS and the only way to teach you a lesson is to have your body served ala carte while everyone laughs.
Cancer (June 23 - July 23) - If you weren’t too emotional I would talk about the fact that everyone knows about how awful your relationships are with
everyone and anyone around you, due to your ability to make EVERYTHING about yourself, but the stars are being kind this year and saying that you
will have an amazing Valentine’s, even if you cry yourself into a coma (if I were you, I would choose coma).
Leo (July 24 - Aug 23) - Being someone who is supposed to have the heart of a lion (hahaha) you’re such a pansy, your family literally avoids telling
you how sickening you are to be around. We are still unclear whether it was that you were dropped too many times as an infant, or your brain just never
fully developed. But I’m sensing a break for you this Valentine’s Day. No chocolate box or lingerie could prepare you for this night, another screening
of Forest Gump with your mother. Please. Get a life.
Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23) - You’re the person all of our parents warned us about as children, not a predator, but a sleazy serial dater. Maybe you do it
for money. Maybe you do it just out of boredom, but every god awful country break up song is about you. I’m sure this Valentine’s Day you will surprise
the person you met last night at the bar with a wonderful stay at the nearest Super 8 motel. Don’t forget to leave money for plan B, or whatever STD
test they will need after being with you, on the nightstand before you slip out the next morning.
Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23) - Once a loser always a loser. You were always picked last for the dodge ball team in grade school, and still to this day you’re
consistently picked last in every aspect of your life. Which is why you were voted most likely to peep through your neighbor’s window every night. This
Valentine’s Day I suspect that you will be reciting “it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again” to your mail ordered spouse.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22) - The amount of penicillin needed after a date with you is life threatening. You spend your nights drowning in alcohol,
because anyone with the slightest bit of self-worth won’t come anywhere near you. So this Valentine’s Day, when you’re stumbling out of the bar and
back into your hole, just remember that if you’re feeling sick, then just lie on your back and pass out.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) - The season of cuffing and love is among us. Too bad you won’t get to experience any of it, because your controlling
and repulsive nature just radiates off of you like the smell of opening up 5 month old milk. The only action you’re getting this Valentine’s Day is a knock
on your door from the sheriff’s department, delivering a protective order from your ex. Sicko.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) - Love. A four letter word that you could never understand, because even your own parents couldn’t stand your selfentitled
ass. So honestly, the only thing you should be looking forward to this Valentine’s Day is leftover Chinese food and bad pay per view porn.
Sounds like a typical Friday night for you.
40 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | FEB 2020
February Horoscope By Gage McKnight BLACK HEART EDITION