BAD ADVICE
FLOR-IDIOT
IT’S SHART TANK 2.0
By Jimmy Prosser
FROM A
An article where I share all my bad ideas, and boy oh boy, this one’s
going to be a doozy:
• Have you ever said to yourself, “Jimmy (if your name’s not Jimmy
you probably haven’t said it), what’s the deal with humidity?” Well,
it’s like water for the air. And it makes up 92% of the air in the south.
Hundred dollar idea. Sell the humidity to Arizona. They have plenty of
room for it. Like introducing sno-cones to a parrot. Arizonians will love
our humidity.
• Quick! Say the first word that comes to mind: _________! Brilliant!
Now available in a cream.
• Sloppy Jose’s. Ground beef - with taco seasoning, salsa, sour
cream, shreddy letty, little onion, some ‘maters, cheese, and guac
on a bun. I know, I know. It takes the taco out of tacos. But I promise
you, a taco on a bun - or ‘Sloppy Jose’s’ as I call them are incredibly
delicious. First the gays were published, then they reinvented the
taco. Is there anything they can’t do? Procreate.
• Who here is happily in love? If you’re reading this the answer is
probably not I. But I have an exciting new idea! A dating app for
people who don’t apply themselves. It’s called SadLove, where all
you sad people can find other sad people. You don’t put your best
attributes in your profile, you put your worse, kind of an “it only gets
better from here” approach to dating. Your loins will thank me. And
your mother will too. I’m a match maker. And a Sagittarius (actually
I’m a Libra but Sagittarius just flows better).
• Ok - the cleaning and sterilizing power of bleach, but for your
personality. How will it work? Science or Psychology. Maybe both.
I’m the idea guy, not the figure things outer guy. Take for instance,
someone with a crappy personality, maybe pick a name, any name,
at random. I’m thinking of an old south end bar hag, let’s call her
”Milary.” Couldn’t her personality be better in every way possible?
Yes. I’m a genius, I know.
There you have it, all of my loving and adoring fans. The next great
publicly traded company starts with one of my ideas. And you (only
you) can get in on the ground floor. Please send me cash.
4 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | FEB 2020
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