AS YOU WISH
By Hollie Sessoms
“Wuv, tru wuv,” (read in voice of Impressive Clergyman from The Princess Bride) “will fowow you forweva.”
You know, I always trusted The Princess Bride as a child. How could a movie with a Dread Pirate Roberts in love with a Princess Buttercup that has had my
generation shouting, Inconceivable! for decades steer me wrong?
Alas, nearly twenty years into my marriage (or mawage, whatever you prefer) and I have found that tru wuv has not followed me forweva—more like fondness
with a bit of adoration mixed with a healthy dose of contempt and just a dash of outright disgust at times; emotions running the gamut from giddy happiness
followed by boredom, maybe a little bit of depression and then a sudden burst of animal attraction and then back to boredom. On and on in a cycle until we die,
I presume.
Valentine’s Day seems particularly ridiculous for those of us who have been married for too long. What’s the point? Why do I have to put myself among the
hordes of lovers wandering the aisles of gigantic teddy bears (who in the world even buys those?) and a worrying amount of pink and red cards? Do we really
need to spend all this time and energy still telling each other we love one another? I mean, I endure your dirty underwear on the floor and you mindlessly picking
your nose while surfing the internet and I’m still here! Obviously, there’s some of that love stuff involved! Don’t make me say it!
Still, I admit, it’s a nice idea to stop and pause in the midst of our lives and remember why we chose one another. So, in that spirit, here are some fun ideas for
married couples to do on Valentine’s Day:
• Watch a movie together all the way to the end without falling asleep. Guys. I know this seems impossible. But I haven’t watched a movie all the way through
without falling asleep since I was a teenager, you might be saying. Hear me out. Sometimes movie producers put these twists at the ends of movies, but you never
know if you conk out ninety minutes in at that unattractive angle with your head all atilt, your mouth ajar, and a bit of drool running down your face. Maybe you
can’t stay awake because you’re not watching the right kind of movie, maybe you need a movie that’s a little more…ahem…titillating. So, this Valentine’s Day,
slip into something comfortable, grab your lover, snuggle on the couch and turn on that Winston Churchill documentary. Fascinating guy. Really.
• Have an adventure. You can start by going to the store together (you know which one I’m talking about) and go down that aisle you’ve always been curious
about, but never ventured down before. So many fun things can be found on the international food aisle! Ever tried cha soba noodles? How bout tikka masala
sauce? Vegemite, anyone? Expand those palates!
• Shake things up in the boudoir. Bedroom life can get a little stale for married couples. So ladies, do something a little crazy on Valentine’s Day. When you
get in the bed, pull back the covers, slide one leg in, then the other, and then…you know where I’m going with this, right?...don’t put your cold feet on his legs for
once. Because there’s nothing sexier than letting your man keep all his body heat and not leaching it away with your frozen toes. Gentleman, to really spice things
up, slip into something a little saucy, like one of those Breathe Right nose strips, so your lady doesn’t have to listen to you snoring all night, because nothing is as
hot as getting a full night’s sleep and being well-rested the next day.
• Make a coupon book for each other. Good for one back rub. Good for one…. Never mind. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever thought of. Go back to what
you were doing….
In conclusion, with a little help, Love doesn’t have to fizzle out as our relationships age. Because after all:
42 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | FEB 2020
Love is but a rose in bloom
That casts out all gloom
We never know where love may hide
So we keep our eyes open wide
No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Anybody want a peanut?
Gah!