HUAMROT R
COMEDY IS NOT EASY
But I Am
By Aaron R. Fodiman
Many people think that I am a very funny man, while
others wonder what can possibly be going on in
my head when I blurt out some of my observations,
comments or thoughts. The truth is, most people
have a little voice in their heads that reminds them to be careful
what they say. I don’t. Words just fly out of my mouth with
no concern for what others might think about what I have just
uttered. My wife Margaret has learned to endure my behavior,
but I’m sure many others would prefer to never see me again.
I would like to tell you that I can’t control it, but I can. However,
I choose to be this way and have enjoyed my own humor since
I was a small child. In college, graduate school, during law school
64 TAMPA BAY MAGAZINE | MARCH/APRIL 2020
and ever since, I have been saying things that tickle me and at
times make others smile or cringe. I apologize to those who are
not charmed by my remarks, and I try to avoid making them
when I’m in those people’s presence. However, those people
who find my thoughts enjoyable, or at least thought provoking,
have asked me to publish some of my wit-isms in the magazine.
I have resisted doing so for the most part. Yet, the time has
come for me to share some of my favorites. If you find them
entertaining, you would probably enjoy spending some time
with me. If on the other hand, these thoughts are not interesting
to your particular mindset, please excuse my indulgence and
the waste of your time.
Here we go:
• There are only three types of people, those who can count and those who can’t.
• That show was an hour of entertainment packed into three hours of production.
• I was going to form an apathy club, but I couldn’t be bothered.
• I find the second week of a diet much easier than the first because by then I’m off it.
• I normally follow two diets because one does not give me enough food.
• Kleptomaniacs take things literally.
• There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
• Women ask questions because they have an extra “why” chromosome.
• Some people think I am ignorant and apathetic. I say I don’t know and I don’t care.
• I type and live the same way, making a lot of mistakes.
• Marriages usually end in either divorce or death; I’m not sure which is worse.
• To look thin and handsome, I hang around with fat, ugly people.
• If a zombie was looking for brains, he would walk right by me.
• I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body, but all that changed when my mother gave birth to me.
• I know I’m allergic to exercise because it makes me break out in a sweat, my heart rate goes up and my face gets flush.
• Karaoke attracts two types of people, those who shouldn’t drink and those who shouldn’t sing.
• When I met Margaret, I knew she was the perfect woman because she told me so.
• Margaret doesn’t change our clocks for daylight saving time, so half the year she is
an hour late for everything, and the other six months she is two hours late.
• Constipated people don’t give a crap.
• The lottery is a tax on people who don’t understand math.
• Science says it is not i before e except after c.
• There are two words that can open doors for you, “push” and “pull.”
• Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted.
• If you want my opinion, ask Margaret.
• I’m so lazy that if I wanted to commit suicide, I would hire a hitman.
• I’m on a sex diet, the more sex I have, the more weight I lose. So far, I have put on 10 pounds.
• Happiness won’t buy money.
• If you don’t think money buys happiness, you don’t know where to shop.
• You can’t buy love, but you can rent it for whenever you need it.
Obviously, there is no order to these random remarks, but they should make it clear that I am not to be trusted with words or thoughts. 9