Bartender Chronicles By Alaina Loughridge
I Am NOT Bowing to THAT Porcelain God EVER AGAIN
I don’t care how old you are, we ALL have a particular arch nemesis in a
bottle. That one liquor that made you barf so hard you may have cracked
a rib, God was your only savior as the promises to be a better person and
never do that again poured from your mouth (amongst other things), and the
bathroom tile floor was the most magnificent feeling against your cheek.
Even now, years later, the thought of putting ‘that’ in your body makes your
voluntary gag reflex hit so hard you almost black out with terror because the
memory is so distinct and profound.
My own personal story came back to me like a hellish ex-boyfriend when
Roy Landrum, Sr., told me his personal story and it was like yesterday that
it happened. It is the memory that refuses to die and even talking about it at
the bar over a good drink made me shudder with the recall. Let’s start with
Roy’s story first.
Roy was 17 at the time. He is now … um older. Anyway, 17 is 17 and tequila
was the drink. Roy refuses to give me all the details (which sucks, because
it’s me and I wouldn’t tell anybody - lie), but he was so traumatized that he
swore before God that he would never drink tequila again. And he hasn’t to
this day ever picked up a glass of it. When we were talking about it, I thought
Roy was going to throw up as his flashbacks were so bad.
My particular brand was Jameson and oh, did we have an extremely large
time together! The honeymoon was fantastic and life was just a dream, until
Jameson coerced me with his crooked finger to drink just one more that sent
me flying (albeit trembling with the D.T.’s) to divorce court. I had so overdone
it, when I woke up on the bathroom floor, with a pop tart stuck in the vomit in
my hair, I flat out just knew I was going to die right then. It took me an hour to
get off the floor to the couch and I’m still apologizing for shit I did years ago.
Whatever. Anyhoo, it was a bitter split, and even now when I get a whiff of
Jameson my stomach clenches and its like someone punched me in the face
(I’m pretty sure they actually did, and I’m glad it was done after Jameson put
a ring on it). On a stranger note, I haven’t eaten a Pop Tart since then either.
Naturally, I had to take a survey about others’ terrible moments of just bad
decision making and since Nell was front and center, here are two hilarious
ones from her.
Nell, of Wind Rose fame, was playing in a pool tournament at Doc’s years
ago. If you don’t know, Nell is quite the pool shark. The others were buying
her shots of Hot Damn to make her play bad. It didn’t work, but she was so
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drunk when she re-crossed the street that she walked into the Wind Rose
and fired everyone. When she came in to work the next day with her brain
bleeding Hot Damn, she couldn’t figure out why none of the employees
showed up! That is an awesome black out story, but she didn’t stop there.
That day wasn’t the day. It took one more run at the Hot Damn...
Shortly after this debacle and all of her employees returned, Mark, charming
husband of Nell, made her a bet that she couldn’t drink a shot of Cuervo and
Hot Damn mixed together without throwing up. Now, just thinking about that
makes me want to curl up and die, but Nell took the bet. Donna Bowling was
on the sidelines coaching Nell along. She did it! Well, then Mark wanted to
place another bet. $30 later, Nell did not throw up but she hasn’t touched
either liquor since.
It wouldn’t really be a drinking story without re-mentioning Margie’s (of
Beachcomber Editor fame) awful run in with Jägermeister. She and Chief
Chief had just returned from a mandatory evacuation of a hurricane years
ago. Margie was ready to tie one on and off to Doc’s they went (what is going
on at Doc’s???). Jägermeister was flowing and too many shots to count later,
Margie and the Chief go walking home. En route, they got into a fight over
something so stupid no one remembers (love those fights, doncha). Margie
was so drunk that when they got home, she fell as she was opening the door.
Long story short, she passed out with blood on the door and everywhere else
(head wounds bleed pretty awesomely). Later that night, their son, Turtle,
came home and saw all of the blood. He thought the Chief had killed her!
Chief was in the bed and she was on the floor in a pool of blood (Criminal
Minds rings a bell here). Well, Turtle is a professional. He cleaned his mom
up, got her dressed and put her next to her murdering husband, all without
waking her up. When she finally came too, her hangover was only eclipsed
by the fact that her grown son had seen her naked. Needless to say, Margie
turns brown and green when Jägermeister is even mentioned!
Now, that y’all are reeling with Pepto in hand, the moral of the story is this:
Know when is just when. Also, don’t get into a drinking contest with Nell. Oh,
and don’t let your grown children see you naked under any circumstances.
Oh, and don’t have pasta for dinner before you make stupid drinking
decisions. Oh, and don’t think you can dance. Oh, and don’t go home with
that guy/gal you just met. And this list could be a whole separate story.
If you have a fun story, please send it in. I will change your name … maybe.