10 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JUNE 2019
On Top Of Spaghetti!
By J. Beebs
The other day, I was manning the BBQ, and we had some good friends over. Our conversation wandered all over the place, but at some point it came
out that our close friends were going to be grandparents. First time grandparents.
It was temporarily sobering (I recovered quickly). Because when you hear that sort of news, it sort of stuns you for a minute. I mean, do I say
‘Congratulations’ because this is exciting news? I mean it is exciting news! Or do I say, “What the Hell is your kid thinking?” Because seriously, what
the hell was your kid thinking? Or do I point out that this will be the most spoiled grandkid in the history of all grandkids, past generations and future.
Unsure how to play it, and in the presence of the wives, I went for the safe approach, and looked directly at our new grandma-to-be and said, “No way,
I can hardly believe it because you’re so young!” Yes friends, I am very smooth.
Evidently, that was the correct response, because it set off a happy explanation of exactly how all of this came to be, and in the process of this
conversation, I discovered that: a.) this was very exciting news, and b.) the new grandparents were very excited because the young couple had been
working on this for a bit. So obviously, I was excited and happy for everyone involved, including myself, because frankly – I will be a very cool adopted
Uncle.
But I realized as the moms started talking about what they were going to do, that these new grandparents were going to have to step their game
up. I mean way, way up.
We are in the 21st Century now folks. I mean, my grandparents were sort of lucky. They would send a card once or twice a year, with a $5 bill in it,
and I’d fight my sister for it, and then run through the house screaming victory. But I suspect that in 2019, sending a $5 bill is not going to get a lot of
response. I pointed this out to our grandma-to-be and she nodded confidently, because she had a game plan.
Interestingly enough, the game plan involved teaching Junior some children’s songs. There have been a lot of studies that correlate music and
learning, and unbeknown to me, it all starts with learning children’s songs. And as the wives went on to explain something about the body and the mind
working together, I sort of zoned out and nodded a bit. But I did jump back in when someone pointed out that they would have to teach the children’s
classic song, ‘On Top of Spaghetti.’ You know the words…
On Top of Spaghetti… All Covered With Cheese;
I lost my poor meatball… When somebody Sneezed…
Yup, it’s a classic. But after singing a few lines along with my friends, I had a few concerns. Because these lyrics… what if they encourage other
children to misbehave because of the lyrical content of the songs? I mean let’s face it, we live in a very litigious society. Didn’t Eminem get sued for
something he said or sang? I mean these lyrics don’t even taken into consideration those of us who are gluten or lactose intolerant!
I explained this to my friends, and they looked at me as if I had lost my last marble. But I think I’m on to something here. There was a solution, and
it was so simple. Yes, friends, I volunteered to rewrite ‘On Top Of Spaghetti.’ You all can use these lyrics now with your own children, grandchildren,
animals and friends, and rest assured you’ve taken extreme (I mean extreme!) steps to be inclusive to everyone’s gluten and lactose needs. So without
further ado, I present to you ‘On Top of Spaghetti,’ the revised politically correct version:
On Top of Gluten Free Spaghetti, all covered with Almond Milk Lactose Free Cheese,
I lost my poor Tofurky Vegan Meatball, when somebody who had allergies accidently sneezed.
Narrator’s voice: Oh my, would you like a Zyrtec?
At this point the wives interrupted me with severe booing, and pointed out that they got it and I should just stop. Heck, they are probably right.
But just to be safe, I volunteered to teach my Nephew or Niece all the lyrics to The Humpty Dance. Because even though the lyrics can be construed
as offensive by some, it’s ok because it’s the Humpty Dance. And it’s way more fun to sing than Spaghetti. And I can’t wait to see the grandparent’s
face when their brilliant grandchild runs out in front of everyone and announces it’s time to do the humpty hump! That alone is worth it.
Until next month, peace and humptiness forever!