Q: How do I go viral?
A: Cough in someone’s mouth.
Wait… no, my editors said I can’t say that. So here we are. Look
at you, crawling back needing advice and guidance in life. You’re
lucky, I was planning on abandoning all my social obligations tonight
anyway. So, you want to go viral, here’s how.
• Do not use a filter (except on your pictures), type what you
think, have no regrets. Just spew your toxic opinion to the world
and make it public. Encourage people to share your posts. Lie to
them. Tell them they can win a 2012 Dodge Journey. People are fish.
They will do anything to win prizes.
• Come up with a challenge. Make your local police department
dance to music from 2014, or invent a new challenge. Example: The
Ice Box Challenge, like the ice bucket challenge except you drop a
refrigerator on someone. Hilarious. I can name like 16 people right
now I wish I could drop a refrigerator on. (Fun Fact # 1: If you’re
reading this, you are immune to being hit with a refrigerator.)
• Make a video of you doing something stupid or dangerous
that ends in you getting hit in the groin. Groin injuries are always
funny. If your groin is not subject to injuries (ladies, I’m talking about
you), make a video where you put make-up on your face. Like that’s
difficult.
• Find a child, teach them to swear. People love swearing children.
The future of America being ruined for likes on the Internet. Majestic.
Find a child who can sing, take that child to Walmart, Walgreens, or
Waffle House. Children are 63% more likely to get discovered in
a business whose name start with W (Fun Fact # 2: I’m literally
grasping for ideas here).
• Do you have an animal? People love animals. I only recently
made friends right after I found a cat. Dogs are the preferred method
of animals to make you go viral. I’m sure there’s a science behind
it, but what do I know. Although the only person I know who has
actually made a viral video and receives Royalty Checks from it is
my sister and her cat, so maybe get a cat.
Well, there you go. Put yourself out. Who knows? You could go viral
like influenza!
14 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JUNE 2019
By Jimmy Prosser
BEACH RULES
By Margie McLellan
Welcome to summer on Tybee Island! Whether you are a tourist or a local,
I’m sure you will be spending a fair amount of time on our beach. With
that in mind, please be aware of our beach rules. They are located at each
crossover and are posted for your safety:
1. Obey the lifeguards – They don’t just sit in their chairs to look cool
(even though they do). They work hard to keep us safe.
2. Swim within 50 yards of shoreline – You endanger not only yourself,
but those that have to save you.
3. Litter must be contained – Leave only your footprints. Please!
4. No glass or breakable containers – It’s all about broken glass, folks.
5. No pets – No one wants to step in doggy poop or get bitten.
6. No motorized vehicles – The beach is an awesome place to ride your
bike, not so much for motor vehicles.
7. Do not remove any live marine animals – sand dollars, starfish,
etc. Let’s respect our ecosystem. Live and let live.
8. Stay out of the dunes – Our beautiful dunes are there for a reason.
They are our first line of defense against coastal storms and beach erosion.
Believe me, we are still having nightmares about Hurricane Matthew and
Irma.
9. Surf and fish only in designated areas – It’s all about safety!
10. No fires or camping on the beach – We have a beautiful campground
for that.
11. No disorderly conduct, kegs, or nudity – We are a family beach, just
saying…
Beach Warning Flags
The Beach Warning Flags are located at the Lifeguard stations. They
let you know the condition of the water. Please pay attention to them:
Green Flags - This is good and it’s safe to go in the water.
Yellow Flags - There is a medium hazard.
Red Flags - The rip currents are strong and you should keep a close eye
on your children.
Purple Flags - Dangerous marine life, usually jellyfish.