TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | APRIL 2018 25
(Let’s all pause for one moment and acknowledge this issue was released
April 1st, 2018, a day known in the United States of America as April Fool’s
Day, where people play harmless pranks, and make up lavish stories, all in
the name of a good laugh. The following article is just that.)
I’ve been saving this question for a while, “Do you have an idea for a
better use for the land surrounding Fort Pulaski?” Of course I do.
Spring is here and in full bloom! Maybe I wrote this well in advance, so I’m
not sure if anything has bloomed yet, but for the sake of this article just
roll with it. The weather is perfect, the mosquitos are kidnapping household
pets and small children. Everyone is preparing for what is sure to be a great
summer, full of fun, laughs, alcohol, and hurricanes!
Last June I was visiting Ft. Pulaski National Monument and was taking in
the lovely piece of property it sits on. In today’s economic climate, spending
money on National Monuments seems like a giant waste when there’s
greedy crooked federal politicians who could be harmlessly pocketing those
tax payer dollars. Well, have I got a solution for you! Introducing… (Drum Roll
please) The Ft. Pulaski Outlet Mall and Beef Jerky Emporium.
Wow. There’s an idea. Let’s explore!
If the Feds, state, county, and city better allocated our road money, we could
turn Ft. Pulaski into a force to be reckoned with. Imagine stealing all that
income from Pooler. Those people don’t need it. They have an Applebee’s,
they’re doing just fine! Plus, no one in Pooler has sand covering every inch
of their homes, so they’re already doing better than us. Let’s take this from
them. Imagine arriving at the current structure, only to find it surrounded by
fresh asphalt parking lots and cheaply made designer stores featuring last
year’s greatest trends.
����On your right, where once stood the gift shop and museum, a beautiful
high end purse store with bright fluorescent lights, giving migraines to
all who enter. Can you imagine the bargains that could be found there? A
$300 handbag at the outlet for $298? Are you kidding?? Look at that deal!
If you bought 10 handbags and maybe a matching belt, I bet you could save
tens of dollars shopping there. Which would make up for the massive tax
increase we’ll all have to assume to help fund the new mall.
����Just past that a new chain of coffee shops. Fresh with local hipsters
making all the finest overpriced beverages from imported beans stolen right
from 3rd world countries. Mmm, I can smell it now. Toss in a cake pop and
a glass display case full of plastic 3D printed versions of the real food they
microwave under the counter. I can see myself spending hours in there
writing more advice for all of my adoring fans (hi Mom!).
����No great outlet mall would be complete without a Slightly Damaged
Furniture Store. Next time a hurricane hits, don’t try to dry out and salvage
your family heirlooms. Put them at the curb. You could get a 5-Piece dining
room set complete with faux granite top and a scratch on the table leg for
hundreds less that you would pay if you just drove in to Savannah. Leather
couch? In this heat? HELL YES! Who doesn’t love sticking in their shorts to
furniture? I know I do, imagine all the sweaty thighs that have shared the
floor model. Makes me feel like a kid again!
�� Name brand shoes. Mine are all full of sand and spurs. Wouldn’t it be
dreamy to find they have your perfect shoe, the color, the style, shelves of
them, aisle after aisle, in every size except yours? This is what Ft. Pulaski
Outlet Mall and Beef Jerky Emporium is all about. Creating and crushing
dreams. I hate shoe shopping, but I would hate it less if it was just off the
Lazaretto Creek.
����The moat surrounding Ft. Pulaski will be turned into gondola rides.
You can purchase tickets inside the newest restaurant on Georgia’s
Coastline, Big Al’s Italian Food and Tacos. Nachos, pizza, burrito &
meatballs. I’ve just died and gone to outlet mall heaven. When you sit, a
cheeky server wearing an apron covered in funny pins will bring you
complimentary chips and marinara sauce. The walls will be covered in old
license plates, funny signs, and vintage farm equipment. The real reason to
eat here is the claw machine in the lobby. Do you like waiting in long lines?
Do you like having small children nag you for quarters? If you answered yes
to both those questions, this vestibule is where you’ll want to be!
����Across from Big Al’s you’ll find a high end clothing store full of all
the latest fashion that didn’t make the runways! Are your arms different
lengths? Boom. They’ll have shirts for you. Do cargo shorts not cut it, do you
feel you could use more pockets? Check out the fine French fashions on the
brightly colored mannequins. They’re sure to know what’s up in the world
of fashion.
�� Ladies this next one’s for you, brand name lingerie at convenience
store prices! This mall has it all! You rarely get to show off the lacey goods,
but they’ll fix that the smaller the panties, the bigger the bag. Let everyone
know where your underwear comes from. Hell, tell the whole world, I
BOUGHT UNDERWEAR TODAY!
���� ������������ ������������ ���������� ���������������� ���� ������������������ ������������ ������������ �������� ���������� Hockey
equipment, mountain climbing equipment, gear for spending a day on the
lake. If it doesn’t pertain to our geographical location, you’ll surely find it
here. Pick a losing team in your sport of choice and they’ll load you up on
koozies, jerseys, and cologne. Why cologne? I don’t know.
����With this next one they have kids in mind. A pharmacy! Kids annoying
the ever living crap out of you? Come buy a bucket of daiquiri mix, or a pack
of smokes. This place is here to help you forget your kids. It’s the least the
mall could do.
��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������
down. And we never would. Welcome to The Beef Jerky Emporium.
Where all your meat will be jerked on site! To better incorporate the Beef
Jersey Emporium, the fort will have a dome roof installed. The fort will then
be divided down the middle. All New and Improved Teriyaki flavored products
on the East side of the fort, and Original Barbecue on the West side. What a
concept!
When I interviewed the mayor he said, “Who are you? No you may not quote
me. This is asinine.”
There you have it folks. Bringing Fort Pulaski to the 21st Century. What a
time to be alive!
(Fun Fact: I completely forgot to do Fun Facts. *sorry*)
By Jimmy Prosser