My Magic School Bus
By J. Beebs
The other day I was out Jeeping about, carefree and happy, when all of a sudden my vehicular progress was brought to a slow crawl behind a very
large school bus. If it’s been a while since you’ve had the misfortune of following a school bus, let me refresh your memory. You sort of idle up behind
the offending school bus, and then reluctantly watch the bus slow down, and yes, the yellow lights start flashing, and then finally the red lights. Cars
start to line up on both sides of the bus, and we all sit helplessly in our cars, watching a group of kids grab their packs, shuffle off the bus, only to stop,
pick up a pencil, and then shuffle some more. And there’s always that one kid that JUST TAKES FOREVER, but I’d like to think that I was that kid when I
rode the bus and this is just karma balancing the scales. But eventually, all the kids disembark, goof around and then shuffle across the street or down
the sidewalk. Then the bus kills the flashing lights, grabs a gear and slides forward another 100 feet, and you watch the whole process repeat. It makes
for a slow drive home. After I found myself doing the bus shuffle for a mile or so, I realized something was missing. The bus I was following, I could
actually hear kids singing, screaming and laughing. But this was so unlike my school bus memories. Was I hearing happy screams and not screams of
pain? Was that laughter? And the songs I did hear … the lyrics were not even dirty? Was this a happy school bus ride home?
Dear reader, I found myself confused.
As a child, I spent a lot of time on school buses. I grew up way at the end of the bus route, so far off the grid of civilization that the bus would drop me
off and turn around on the last bit of asphalt known to mankind for at least 50,000 acres. So I’ve spent some time on the bus. Practically any verb you
can think of, I’ve done it on a school bus: Fighting, Kissing, Crying, Drinking, Smoking, Snoring and yes, one time on a very long bus ride, Peeing. I’m
not proud. Well, ok, I sort of am. It’s a safe bet they did not use my school bus experience as the inspiration for the Magic School Bus cartoon. No, my
school bus experience was more like a Lord of the Flies School Bus. We were wild, violent heathens, and our bus driver managed to tune all of it out.
In fact, I’m guessing that Niccolò Machiavelli, the famous hard core Italian politician who is known for saying such winning quotes as “It is better to be
feared than loved...” and “There is no avoiding war…” probably came up with these types of insights while riding a school bus. And so, like Machiavelli,
my school bus peers and I largely regulated ourselves.
I wondered if any parents had followed our bus in the mid 1980’s and thought, “What in holy hell is going on in there?” I’m positive every car that had
the misfortune of following School Bus Route #140 in 1984 learned a few things, because we made up the most amazing, dirty songs you have ever
heard, complete with verse, chorus, and coda. Such was our musical talent that when I joined the military, I remember being a little disappointed that
the Jodie chants we learned weren’t near as dirty as the school bus songs we made up in 8th grade.
So I’m back to the present, watching today’s kids get off the bus, they sort of dork around, happy and content. It’s a casual stroll down the aisle with
some high fives. Getting off the bus in my childhood involved one last sucker punch (either dishing or receiving) and maybe a sack tap if you weren’t
on guard. Middle finger salutes, accompanied by curses of your choice, were our salutations and farewells.
I occasionally hear from my elders who try to tell me “things were better in the old days,” but when it comes to school bus rides, I’m pretty sure things
are much better today.
So at last, the bus has turned, and I’m free to continue my journey home. I’m in the middle of a bit of congestion now, but I think maybe the nostalgia
of the school bus has caught all of the car drivers on this sunny day. Despite the traffic and being delayed, we are all driving politely, with friendly nods
and smiles as the traffic disburses. And I can’t help but think of my own childhood and contrast it with the kids I see today, and even the drivers I see
around me now. Maybe I just caught the planet on a kind day, but somehow, I don’t think that’s the case. Or maybe, like Machiavelli says, “The more
sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” You know, just like that bus ride home, the world is moving
in the better direction. Probably not nearly as fast as we would like, but hey, the world’s a big place. It probably takes a bit of time to grab a world gear
and move forward. Here’s to moving forward.
36 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | APRIL 2018