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Come See Me at the Tybee Farmer’s Market
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JULY 2018 25
By Jimmy Prosser
“Dear Beach Bum, we are staying in Tybee Island this July, and we
wanted to know what type of sea life we can expect to see.”
First of all, it’s on Tybee Island, not in. You’re not in an island, you’re on an
island. Unless you said we are staying in the City of Tybee Island, but that
doesn’t flow, or sound cool. You got me off track…
Once you’ve set up your Walmart umbrella and your $4,000 Yeti cooler full
of off-brand bottled water on the beach, you’ve finally made it. Staring out
at the ocean, the brownish grey water glistening, small children screaming,
and the sound of waves knocking sunglasses off of peoples faces, it’s time
to relax. But how can you relax with all the damn nature around? Here’s
what you can expect to see while on the beach this summer:
Birds - Birds of a feather, shit all over the place together. One of my
favorite creatures is the Brown Pelican, often dubbed “The Tybee Airforce.”
These large birds can often be seen flying in formation around the island,
occasionally swooping down to ruin a fish’s day (Fun Fact #1: Have you
ever wondered why, when birds fly in a V formation, one side is always
longer than the other? Well, that’s because there’s more birds on that side.
HA!). Damn I crack myself up. Another common bird on the beach is the
seagull, also known as a parking lot gull, or, as I overheard one tourist say
on the pier “Hey Ma look, it’s those birds they got in Chicago.” I lost IQ
points just being in the vicinity of that specific exchange.
Jellyfish - These little bastards are neither jelly nor fish. They’re like
plastic bags of anger, they just do nothing, and then they sting you. It
hurts. Some people like to be peed on when they’re stung. Nothing helps
take my mind off the pain other than a golden shower. Though ask Siri, or
a life guard, and they will tell you to rub vinegar on it, but that’s probably
just to cover up the smell of pee. You are also going to want to remove all
the “tentacles” with a pair of tweezers. The tentacles in question look and
feel like cactus fuzz. If you find a dead jellyfish on the beach, bury it in a
shallow grave and erect a cross over it to alert people of its passing.
Dolphins - Also known as “The Squirrels of the Sea.” Once you’ve lived
here long enough, they just become part of our daily lives. Like going to
the post office or complaining about golf cart traffic (Fun Fact #2: There are
at least two dolphins that live around Tybee). Dolphins spend most of their
days in the water, until it comes time to feed, then they throw themselves
onto the shore line and order take-out from A-J’s, Bubba Gumbos, or
Coco’s.
Sharks - If you’re afraid of the ocean, then we definitely do not have any
sharks at all. So reading any further would be futile (Fun Fact #3: We have
a lot of sharks). Sharks tend to only eat people who litter. This is a proven
fact. If you drop trash on our beach, a shark will rip your arms and legs off,
and you’ll probably be miserable. If you litter a lot, an alligator will swim
over from Hilton Head Island and get you on the beach. These animals
work together to combat littering.
Sand Gnats - Also known as “No See ‘Ums,” are the thing that is currently
biting you while you read this. They are much like mosquitos, if mosquitos
had Napoleon Complexes. I recommend picking up some No Natz at literally
every store on the island. Ask your server or bartender, they probably have
some you can borrow. Seriously, we could not live here without No Natz.
I hope you enjoy your day at the beach. Remember, pick up your trash. Pick
up any trash you see.
MMM...So
Good!
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