GROWING UP GORALCZYK
ON NEW YEAR’S EVE
Happy New Year everyone! My favorite part of the holiday season has
arrived (the end). No joke though, since I was a kid the 31st and 1st
were a special time in my family. Believe it or not, the Goralczyk’s did,
in fact, have some old fashioned holiday traditions at some point in
time. Thanksgiving and Christmas were always big, all day events
that involved the whole family, whether we wanted them all around
or not. Big dinners, screaming kids in tiny houses, and all the drama
that comes with that. Our NYE celebration however, was the laid back
party. A couple aunts and uncles and a few family friends would come
over to our home and bring a few hors d’oeuvres, illegal fireworks
and light libations. Then we would all eat, drink, play pool and board
games, then shoot fireworks until the sun came up. We did this for
years without incident. Then a new aunt came along just in time for
the new millennium and, in the spirit of Y2K, blew it all up.
New Year’s Eve, 1999: The usual suspects arrived, the pigs-in-ablanket
were in the oven and the meat balls were ready. It was late
afternoon and Mom and Dad were mixing their drinks. Until I was in
my 20s, this party was one of the few occasions each year where the
adults in my life drank. There was a time when Ron and Leigh were
nearly Teetotalers. Sounds crazy I know, but bear with me.
We were expecting a new guest this year. My uncle Joe had 3 new
kids all under 5 and a new wife, Jackie. Now, their courtship is a
VERY, VERY long story in itself, but there are not enough pages in this
issue to chronicle that epic. So we will stick with this isolated incident
for now. Jackie was a fairly decent person most of the time, but not
necessarily the world’s best drinker. This was already known to all the
guests there, so we were all on edge.
Well, the new family arrived, and to start off, Jackie was already
buzzed and the sun was still up. They brought all the babies and, just
as a kicker, they also brought their 8 week old Rottweiler too. The
puppy’s bed was made up of a laundry basket and the brand new
Eagles Sweatshirt we had given my uncle a mere week earlier, with
fresh puppy poop stains. Yes, Jackie was a Cowboys fan, and thought
it was funny. Wonderful first impression.
Then there were the deviled eggs they brought, which were extremely
questionable. Then, within the hour of their arrival, other people’s
liquor started to go missing. My Aunt Lori’s Sloe Gin, my mother’s
tequila, and beers were mysteriously emptying on their own. There
were four teenagers at this party and we were not the prime suspects.
34 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2020
By Joey Goralczyk
Probably because my dear new Aunt Jackie thought it would be okay
to try and grope my father and other uncles, along with my best friend
at the time, Ryan, who happened to be 12. In her defense, he was an
early bloomer.
By 9 o’clock it had been established that Jackie was off the wagon.
And nobody was enjoying themselves but her. We kids decided to go
outside and play some football. Jackie thought that sounded like fun.
She got into a 3-point stance and started playing some damn football.
Straight up tackle football. It was like a cartoon.
At this point, the other adults had sobered up and were worried about
their children’s safety. They were right to worry. On a particularly hard
tackle, my 9 year-old cousin went down with an injured hand. Jackie
then got up, and in her grass stained glory, spiked the ball in her face.
Game Over.
At this point, maybe 10:30 or 11, our good guests decided it was time
to leave because of, you know, the walking drunk tank that was my
aunt. Uncle Joe was embarrassed now, and he picked a fight with her.
People were fleeing our house before the ball had even dropped on
the New Year, while a newlywed couple was coming to blows in our
front yard. We had always worried about cops showing up, because
of fireworks, not a domestic disturbance. My mother and Aunt Lori
decided that enough was enough and started packing up Joe and
Jackie’s dog and kids. The happy disheveled couple came back in and
were surprised and offended that we wanted them to leave. Jackie
stormed out the door, declaring that she didn’t need this family and
that she was gonna go home and kill herself. My mother wished her
the best of luck and they left. It was about this time that we noticed
they had forgotten their puppy. Wanting them to have no reason to
return, ever, Aunt Lori ran thru our front door at top speed and caught
them at the end of the driveway. As she was walking back, we noticed
a nearly empty bottle of sloe gin in her hand. Apparently, Jackie had
stashed it in her purse and decided that she didn’t need it anymore.
Our wonderful NYE party kind of ended at that point. I don’t think we
even did a countdown. The night was a bust. Joe and Jackie were
not invited to anymore house parties after that though. We were
really not on speaking terms that whole year, as more drama ensued.
One question has always lingered with me from that night though. I
wonder if Ryan scored…