CAPRICORN - Dec 22 to Jan 20 Mean, bitchy, petty, and unforgiving, arevjust a few of the many adjectives to describe a Capricorn. You have
the stamina and relentless bloody-mindedness to keep wearing away at the world until it’s lost the will to live and follows your way. You’d do
anything to preserve your social status and so prefer to keep your ruthless, pathological ambition under wraps. The gods are telling me that in
2020 you will be assassinated by your mother.
AQUARIUS - Jan 21 to Feb 19 Probably the most stubborn and somehow needy of all the signs, a regular Napoleon. When you’re in need of
help from friends, you’d rather drink rocket fuel than let them know you need them. Which is why you will die alone in the most brutal, laughable
way. So this year, just go ahead and take a nice long bath and try not to forget that the toaster has to be plugged in for it to work correctly with
the water. Happy New Year!
PISCES - Feb 20 to March 20 You’re such a martyr you POS. The second you help someone get back on their feet, you get jealous and put them
right back down. You drift about vaguely, feeling hard done by and appearing helpless and put upon, but you’re not, you manipulative shit. Were
you not coddled enough as a child? Who hurt you? Do you need a hug? A bullet to the brain? You’re lucky you’ve made it this far so don’t make
any long term plans for 2020. Pansy bitch.
ARIES - March 21 to April 20 Greedy, argumentative, restless, willful and self-obsessed, you are the zodiac’s permanently enraged adolescent.
You have a problem with authority, show you a no-entry sign and you’re up the forbidden highway like a ferret up a drainpipe. The New Year
will bring nothing but jail time.
TAURUS - April 21 to May 21 You’re stupendously dull and move only when poked by a stick. Your refusal to say the word ‘adapt,’ let alone
‘change,’ is a result of a lack of imagination. Your little bully brain can’t cope with anything complex, so you do nothing, and get buried alive by
avalanches you refuse to notice. Maybe in 2020 you should just hide in a corner with a lampshade on your head.
GEMINI - May 22 to June 22 Under a layer of stage-school sincerity lurks a cold-hearted, bad-mouthing rumor-monger, scavenging information
to do the dirty on someone later. You’re the con artist with a cheeky grin who detaches babies from their candy and laughs as you leave them
crying. You’re in a permanent mid-life crisis, an irresponsible, discontented commitment-phobe still wearing a baseball cap backwards at 45.
2020 is the year you move back into your dying grandmother’s basement.
CANCER - June 23 to July 23 Grumpy, moody, tetchy and devious: not Snow White’s dwarves but a summary of your defining gracelessness.
You love to whine. You look for perceived slights and remember everything nasty ever said about you. You never give away anything people
could use against you, you would use it against them. Hopefully, this year your period will end and you can actually make a friend that wants
to be around you.
LEO - July 24 to August 23 Leos are all kings (or queens), but deep within your roaring lion heart you know you’re an arrogant, intolerant,
pompous, self-centered bully. You expect the world to revolve around you. When it doesn’t, you plunge into grand imperial sulk mode. You have
double standards (what you deserve and what’s good enough for everyone else) and you’re never, ever wrong. In 2020, nothing will change,
you will continue to be the prideful ass you’ve always been.
VIRGO - August 24 to Sep 23 Virgos are negative, tiny-hearted fusspots obsessed with detail who do nothing but carp and criticize. You’re
never wrong (but, if you are, you’d kill your firstborn rather than admit it). First impressions are cast in stone. If you met Ted Bundy on a good
day, you’d maintain he was a great guy. I personally hope 2020 brings a serial killer into your life.
LIBRA - Sep 24 to Oct 23 There’s nothing great to be said about a Libra, you’re all idiots and in 2020 you will still continue to be an idiot.
SCORPIO - Oct 24 to Nov 22 The Scorpio dark side is darker than the rest — the words ‘evil’ and ‘master mind’ seem inadequate. You disgust
everyone around you. The only adequate comparison to a Scorpio is a cockroach. Just when we think you’ve finally died, you pop right back up
and disgust us even more. I beg that in 2020 you will finally do us all the favor we deserve, and chug bleach.
SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23 to Dec 21 Brash, crass, loudmouthed and impetuous, you are the zodiac’s mindless hooligan, game for anything.
Russian roulette? Pass the Kalashnikov. You smash your way through barriers, even those set up for your safety. If you see a commitment in the
distance, you vanish like a gambler’s lucky streak. And you’re tactless. Your best friend loses a leg in an accident (probably caused by you) and
you ask if you can have their trainers. Hopefully in 2020 we can just remove this sign completely.
40 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2020
Janurary Horoscope By Gage McKnight