TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2020 35
LOVE, NOT ACTUALLY
A Love Advice Column by a Boy and a Girl Who Should Not be Giving Love Advice. Ever.
The Question this month is:
I walked into my local bar last week and spotted my boyfriend kissing on another woman. I walked out before I was seen, but I am so mad! What should
I do?
Girl’s Advice:
My knee jerk reaction here is that you should have walked up and grabbed that girl by the nape of her neck and slammed her head repeatedly against the bar and
then punched him in the kidneys with a pool stick.
However, upon reflection, that is not the best adult thing to do. It is after all, his fault. This side chick may not know what the dealio is with you and him, so let her
slide. As far as your douchebag boyfriend, dump him. Even if he does have his teeth, a job and a car, he also probably has syphilis. I also recommend slashing his
tires. Karma works, but sometimes not as quickly as one would like. Screw that ‘high road’ and take matters into your own hands. Then get all your squad together
and go out and get tanked up and find yourself a new man!
Boy’s Advice:
While my aloof counterpart would recommend taking matters into her own hands, I personally believe that Karma should not be taken so lightly. Anyone who thinks
that they can be a conduit of Karma is asking for trouble. Surely in a small town with 3 red lights, the girl in question WOULD know if he had a girlfriend or not.
Now, was it a peck on the cheek you saw? A whisper in the ear perhaps? All these things could be innocent enough and jumping to conclusions will only end
up badly for all parties involved. We’ll go with you saw the worst case scenario and it was a full on tongue sesh. You have to imagine that he’s not happy in the
relationship in the first place. What did YOU do? Have you been distant, lost your libido, or gained 40 pounds since you started dating? Whatever the reason, it’s
probably you. I think you should drop those 40 pounds, start wearing sexy outfits to bed, and start paying more attention to your man.
After you’ve tossed all of his belongings from your apartment and sent him a breakup text, give me a call (867-5309). We’ll work on that libido problem together.