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TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2021 15
By Ron Goralczyk
Ron’s Comedy Club
Happy New Year! Let’s hope 2021 is better than the 5 year long 2020.
I’m not one to blame bad times on a calendar year but I have to say, and
no fault on anyone, that 2020 has been a bumpy ride. To make things
even shittier, my long time hero, Eddie Van Halen, has passed. Also
Verizon has stopped ring back tones so no more “Whose Gonna Drive
You Home” on the Breezy phone. It has been replaced with a regular
old fashioned ring. FML! I have learned the words, so for a few special
customers, I sing a couple verses.
The Election! I can’t even go there, let’s just say Mad Max was in
the year 2021. It may not be gas we are killing each other over, but
it will be something, that’s for sure. I have been practicing my sling
shot skills and started digging tunnels all through the dunes. Instead
of using English when I speak, I’m learning to grunt and make different
noises to communicate. Preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.
I was looking at Breezy’s Facebook page the other day and it says
“Arts and Entertainment” as to what type of business we are. I can’t
explain the art part, but as far as entertainment, I can explain. All the
drivers have a pretty good sense of humor and one of us is brilliant. A
good comedian act is pretty much the same from show to show. But
typically, in front of a new audience, I figure every new ride hasn’t
heard my material yet.
People are always excited to bring their adult beverage with them.
When they ask, “Is it okay?” I respond with, “Heck yeah, I hate drinking
alone. If you’re gonna drive drunk, drive a cab, even if it’s a police road
block they just wave you through.” I tell people, “You seem more sober
than me, so you drive.” Other times I ask people, “Do you have a beer
for me, you selfish bastard?” Most of them are like, “Sure, let me grab
one for you.” I always decline and ask them, “If I’m drinking and your
drunk, who the hell is going to drive?”
Recently I had a group of 8 wild women here for a week, definitely
experienced day drinkers. I was taking them to Huc-a-Poos and
dropping my “I probably shouldn’t be driving right now” line, as if I
was wasted. I thought they knew I was joking, but hey, I’m that good.
Anyway, a few hours passed and they called for a ride back to their
vacation rental. It took a moment to get them loaded up because they
were pretty loaded up themselves. They were telling me a story of how
the bartender would not give them a shot for their cab driver and how
mean she was being. I explained the best I could that I don’t drink and
drive and yes, that means not even a little. Zero. None. Zilch. I am your
designated driver and I take that responsibility as serious as it can be.
I don’t drink very much when I’m off, especially when I have to
drive the next day. Later that day I was back at Huc-a-poos making a
delivery, when the bartender told me the other side of the “can’t give
you a shot story.” One of the ladies in the group had said, “Hey, don’t
forget to get our cab driver a shot. What was his name? What does he
drink?” The volume they were speaking and the questions they were
asking had the attention of everyone that was at Poos. I myself would
definitely want to know what cab driver it was that wanted a shot.
Luckily, Amanda, the bartender, informed the ladies that Ron doesn’t
drink and drive and they were like, “He said he was hammered when he
picked us up.” Granted Amanda does not know me well, but she knows
enough that I was kidding.
I also like telling people, “I don’t have a driver’s license. I do however,
have a fishing license.” They ask, “Why do you not have a driver’s
license?” and I explain, “I ran over some bicyclers and it happened
more than twice. I was told that it seemed to be less like an accident
but more like a habit. The authorities didn’t seem to care that the
bicyclers were not on the bike path. I mean, why have a bike path and
not use it? I have never ever ran over anyone on the bike path. I do my
best to obey the rules of the road.” I tell them, “Right now I’m missing
an eyelash on one of the cars because the idiot I ran over grabbed it as
he and his bike went under the car. Yes, I did stop and try to retrieve the
lash, however the dude’s grip was so tight I couldn’t pull it away from
him. I did order a new set, and called and reported a down bicyclist.
Two more months with no infractions and I can apply to get my license
reinstated. Wish me luck.”
People asked me all year long, “Do we need to wear a mask?” My
response, “Only if you are going to rob me. I would rather you put the
mask on me so I don’t even see it coming.”
I had a lady tell me, “You’re tips may be better if you cleaned the cars.
I told her, “My job is to keep the cars running and drive, and the cars
haven’t been cleaned since the whole virus thing.” She laughed and I
reiterated that I was kidding. I told her, “Whatever filth that is in the
car must kill the virus.” I had a regular local in the car with me and he
assured her the car is always dirty and he agreed there must be some
sort of science to my logic. She tipped me extra fat and didn’t hesitate
to ride with us for the rest of her vacation.
Tybee Insurance Agency Inc.
Serving Tybee Island since 1987
Call Carrie Traeger
“Mrs. Jiggs” 912-786-5541