BAD ADVICE
FROM A
FLOR-IDIOT
By Jimmy Prosser with Commentary by Sgt. Richie Dascall
New Year. Old me. New article. Old name. I have loved writing for the
Beachcomber since day one. It is been an incredible experience, but
articles can burn out. We run out of things to talk about or our readers
feel like they’ve heard it all and it’s time for them to write their final
chapter. Fortunately for you a-holes, we found a way to tweak Bad
Advice by a Flor-idiot.
Moving forward, I will be offering expert advice and then having a
professional in said field critique my advice and let you know just how
amazing my advice truly is.
First stop - how to get out of a ticket completely endorsed by Sgt. Richie
Dascall (that cutie with a booty).
Sgt. Dascall: “Happy New Year everyone! I hope the holidays were good
to all of you. So this month I have been asked to critique some advice
given by Jimmy about how to get out of a ticket. So, if you haven’t read
his article yet, don’t read any further. Go see some of the horrible advice
he’s offering, then come back to this. You’ve read his articles? Great!
Now let’s discuss some of the things that are wrong with them. First of
all, if someone tells you they’re from Florida, never take their advice.
That entire state’s economy runs off the sale of methamphetamine and
exotic animals. There are no experts in any field willingly living there.”
• Recently on my way to work, I was pulled over for speeding. The
officer approached my vehicle and said, “You were going 20 over the
speed limit.” I said to him, “Yes, and I was making damn good time until
you stopped me.” He let me off with a warning. So if you ever get pulled
over, blame the police. I did and it worked for me. The police love it when
you accuse them or make it their fault - try yelling when you blame
them.
Sgt. Dascall: “First Jimmy suggests if pulled over, to try yelling at the
officer and making it their fault. By and large, whenever doing traffic
stops, I like to let the person set the tone for how the encounter is
going to go. If they’re nice and cooperative, we can be the same way. If
you’re going to start off with an attitude, understand that for years we
have dealt with irate people and have mastered the art of pettiness. So
that argument can easily turn one ticket into several, and judges don’t
usually like to hear that you gave an officer a hard time.”
• One time I was driving home from work and I got pulled over for
going 20 over the speed limit. The officer asked where I was going in
such a hurry and I told him I had to poop. He didn’t buy it. In hindsight
I should have poo’d myself. If you get poop on yourself, the police want
nothing to do with you. Trust me, you have nothing to lose but your
dignity and maybe your car seats. But I’m sure there’s a Groupon for
that.
18 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2021
Sgt. Dascall: “Next Jimmy suggests the old “I had to poop” excuse.
I’ve heard this one probably a hundred times over the years and only
like three people have actually pooped themselves. So it doesn’t carry
a whole lot of weight. And if you decide to go all out and actually poop
yourself like he suggests, understand we will be leaving in five minutes
and you’ll be in the car with your mistake until you get home.
• One time I was driving home from work and I’m from Michigan and
it’s not always safe in certain cities (Detroit) to stop at red lights, so I
was just running one, albeit slowing down to make sure no one was
coming, but technically failing to stop. I got pulled over and the officer
asked where I was going and I told him I was tired. Since the road was
relatively deserted he told me to go home. I said I would and then I went
to one of those restaurants that puts popcorn on the table when you
sit down. Lying to the police helps. Most officers are gullible and will
believe you when you lie to them. Also, there’s always room for popcorn.
Sgt. Dascall: “Jimmy’s next suggestion is lying. Solid tactic if you
don’t get caught. But most people are terrible liars. If you’re in a bad
neighborhood and afraid to stop, just say that. It might not get you out
of a ticket, but then you’re not dealing with a cop who has been trained
and dealt with people trying to lie to him for years unraveling your story.
And also don’t eat the popcorn at those restaurants. They don’t change
it out and everyone’s touched it, just like Jimmy’s mom.
• One time I was driving home from vacation and I got pulled over
for window tint which, let’s face it, is bullshit. I argued with the officer
because it’s not my damn car, I lease it. He gave me a warning. If you
ever feel the police are out to get you, just argue with them they will
back down, I’ve done it and it worked.
Sgt. Dascall: “Jimmy suggests you argue. I cannot explain enough that
the side of the road is not the place to have an argument. That’s what
courtrooms were built for.
• One time I was going to my grandparents’ house and there was a
parade in my way. I didn’t feel I should have to stop for a parade and the
police felt I should and then I started crying. Apparently, if you cry it does
nothing. The police made me turn around and drive the long way around
to get to my grandparents’ house. My grandparents didn’t actually live
there anymore, but I wanted to park there so I could go to the parade. I
should have shown the officer my billy club (wink).
Sgt. Dascall: “Lastly, Jimmy tries to tell some story about crying and
that he should have exposed himself to the officer to get out of a ticket.
Just don’t do this, or for that matter anything Jimmy tells you to. He has
willingly chosen to live in Florida, which means he has no real sense of
reality. He’s too busy trying to fix the four broken Jet Ski’s he has parked
on his front lawn so he can sell them and buy season passes to Disney.
These are some of my real life experiences that I can now share with
you. Don’t forget to like and subscribe.
Sgt. Dascall: “If you ever have any serious concerns about a ticket,
consider talking to a lawyer. Avoid playing any games on the side of
the road and just be courteous, kindness goes a long way. And if Jimmy
tells you to do anything a certain way, remember he willingly lives in a
state where it’s always summer and there are cocaine crazed alligators
everywhere.