By Alaina Loughridge
DIRECT TV - CAN SUCK IT
Where to start? Deep breath and a big back stretch. Direct TV can choke
and die. So, after my “contract” ran out, my cable bill went up to $156.24
a month. Um. No. Who do y’all think you are in this day and age of
streaming, You Tubing, Fire Stick? I called them four times in one day to
cancel. Each time they hung up on me. David, Muriel, Amy and Jacob all
said ‘yes madam,’ and then hung up on me. Apparently, this is the new
way for Direct TV to avoid people canceling their service. Just hang up. It
worked on me. I don’t have time for this.
I waited two days and called back to cancel. Advin and Carol hung up on
me. I was now exhausted by this, but also mildly amused. I called the
“Promotions Department” to sign up for a new scene. Louise had a barely
coherent accent, but I got it and explained to her that I was not pleased.
She explained to me that I could have my bill lowered to $78 a month,
but I would have to pay $224.76 right now today, and if I did that, I could
maintain my package of current television programming. Oh, and by the
by, they are in a huge bitch beat down with NBC about their pricing and I
might lose NBC on my program. Isn’t NBC like a basic channel? Can’t I just
get some rabbit ears and get basic cable? Are you threatening me with a
loss of Telenovela? Brooklyn Nine-Nine? What is going on?? Louise asked
if she could transfer me to her “Supervisor, Justin,” and I said please do.
It gets better …
At this point, I was so beaten into submission that I didn’t care anymore.
I said ‘I’m in.” Justin said, and I’m quoting verbatim, “Well, there is a
catch.” I said, “Ok, well lay it on me.” He said (and I’m not going to quote
because it’s crazy) you need to go to Best Buy and get a gift card for
$224.76 and then call us back. I said (and I’m quoting because I remember
exactly what I said), “Am I talking to a Nigerian Warlord right now?” Justin
said ‘no’ and I said ‘really?’ and he said ‘really.’ I started laughing like
Tom Hanks in The Money Pit when the claw foot bath tub went through the
floor – so like a donkey that has completely lost their mind.
I explained to “Justin,” who was clearly from India, that this made no sense,
and why would you send me to Best Buy, which is a good 45-minute drive
from Tybee to get a gift card for $224.76. “Justin” explained to me that
Direct TV was in a contract with Best Buy and they would pay half my bill
if I bought their gift card. At this point, my eyebrows were perched under
my hairline with disbelief and I would have hung up, but I CALLED THEM
FROM MY DIRECT TV BILL. “Justin” then explained to me that I could get
a Best Buy gift card from the Kroger that was located a mere 15 minutes
away from me. What in the name of Nigeria is going on here? Seriously?
I’m not going to pay my bill. Honestly, y’all, what is America coming to right
now? I’m not settling for this!! It’s television, for the love of! Remember
when that bitch came in a 1000-pound console with a bar and a record
player and you dusted it once a month? Let’s get back to that. I’m in
“Justin!”
26 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2021
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