JANUARY HOROSCOPE
By Gage McKnight
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - New year, new you Capricorn! Even if you are 50lbs heavier and now have back acne, you’re a brand new person. From your
new friends at Jenny Craig, to your new support animal, this year is looking like the year for you to trim some weight off of your chest and your waistline. I
just currently read that some plastic surgeons are doing pro-bono work on the less fortunate, let us sign you up ok? You are feeling like shit, but why look it?
Aquarius (Jan. - Feb. 20) - Was your new year’s resolution to make everyone physically ill? Because congrats, you did. Just the feeling of your being has
brought on a second wave of Covid. Not only are we scarred from your annoying personality, but you have made people want to wear masks. They would
rather breathe normally than be suffocated by “filtered” masks. Just continue your normal job as trash pick-up at your local gym, and continue your meal prep
you pedo.
Pisces (Feb. 21 - March 20) - Oh Pisces, or should I say, “Oh you piece of shit.” This year you are the lowest of the low. You spent all of 2020 being selfish and
obnoxious, tormenting and judging, basically being your true self. I’m reading the stars and they are saying that this year will be the worst year you have ever
had, nothing less than a bad porno. They are saying that you deserve nothing short of microwavable meals and Hep C. Your own parents are going to decide
to emancipate you. You’re disgusting physically and your personality reflects the same.
Aries (March 21- April 20) - Dear Aries, 2021 has decided to cancel your subscription this year. Not only did you spread the virus out of spite last year, but
you also deserve to be abandoned like a 16 year old pregnant teen who gave birth and then put her baby in the trash. The only thing coming to you this year
is a new boyfriend with E.D.D or a girlfriend with Herpes. I personally hope the odds are not in your favor.
Taurus (April 21 - May 20) - 2021 was supposed to be your year, but unfortunately you were so bull headed that you ruined any chance of that. This month
is bringing nothing but pain and suffering of the psychological type. Maybe you will contract a rare disease from Mexico where worms infect your brain, or
maybe your schizophrenia will finally kick in. Either way, you’re going to end up eating the skin off of your bones. Rightfully so.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Have you really looked in the mirror this year? Notice anything different? Maybe it is a few new bumps on your head, maybe it
is a meth scab. Who’s to tell? While you were thinking that the end of 2020 would be the end of it all (like every other Trump supporter), you were wrong, it is
worse now than ever. You and your weak-mindedness are the cause of that. If only you would’ve kept those masks on your fugly mugs, then there wouldn’t
be a second wave. Way to go Gemini, you’ve succeeded at making everyone miserable, yet again.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your species was designed to be extinct years ago, but unfortunately that never happened, so the universe created bubonic,
polio, measles, and now Covid to get rid of you, yet nothing seems to be working, I’m curious to see what 2021 will come up with just to eliminate the race
that is you. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Leo (July 23- Aug.22) - Leo, Leo, Leo, 2020 had made you her bitch, and 2021 is going to completely dominate you, from car jackings to home robberies.
This year is the equivalent to you buying an expensive scratch off and only winning a free ticket. Over and over again. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but
this year is going to extremely suck for you.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 24) - I’m sensing a very large coffee cup in your near future, and it appears to be very deep and full of change. The kind of change that
you get while kneeling down on the side of Tybrisa begging for change, because you have lost your job and was left by your partner. You shouldn’t have invested
so much time into That Only Fans account, that you thought was going somewhere. News Flash Virgo, you are pathetic and always will be. After you were fired
and your friends told you that you were going nowhere, so did 2021 and she meant it. I would be wise with your nickels and dimes this year, because it looks
like you are going nowhere north of 14th street.
Libra (Sept. 25 - Oct. 23) - You are the type to make new year resolutions every year and never follow through with them. Like last year, I’m sure you said
you were going to get fit and stop drunk eating, but you failed, according to the scale. This year you are probably thinking you will follow your heart and finally
find the love of your life, but as I’m laughing, no one wants to be with you. You’re a slob and undesirable. The only person who wants to be with you is your
cactus, and you killed that months ago. 2021 is not looking up for you babe. Do better and catch an episode of my 600lb life every once in a while because
that is what it’s turning into.
Scorpio (Oct. 24- Nov. 22) - No one cares about you in 2021, a whole concept and mood.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The only thing I can read from the stars is that you are the most undesirable this year. Between newly found back hair and
extra chin fat, you will continue to be the least desirable of the year, but that is ok because I hear a family member is interested, so at least you will have
someone to cuddle with on these cold winter nights. Tell your cousin hello for us!
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2021 35