LOVE, NOT ACTUALLY
A Love Advice Column by a Boy and a Girl Who Should Not Be Giving Love Advice. Ever.
The Question this month is: When do you know it’s true love??
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2021 17
Boy’s Advice:
I suppose it’s quite different for both sexes. Women have a different idea of what true love is. I mean, if you ask my counterpart what true love is, she’ll probably
quote some trash romance novel with Fabio on the cover slinging his golden locks away from his chiseled face. If you ask the internet google machines, you’ll get
some sort of statement like: “You know it’s true love when it feels like home.”
But what if you grew up with an alcoholic father, a miserable mother, and asshole siblings? Is this what true love is supposed to feel like? I seriously doubt it. The
“professionals” will tell you that it’s not just one thing, but a myriad of things that let you know its true love. Psychologists usually will try to confuse you by saying
a lot of nothing. Psychologist Erich Fromm (State Farm likely) inspired Dubinsky’s definition of true love: “An act of will and judgment, intention and promise.” Blah,
blah, blah!
You wanna know what true love is? I’ll tell you. It’s when you ask your girl if she wants to go to fifth base and she says, “I’ve never done that before, but for you,
I’ll try anything once.” That my friends, if it isn’t true love, it’s well on its way to being… TRUE LOVE!
Girl’s Advice:
Well first of all, when this question came down, I shuddered in horror and kind of threw up a little.
Second of all, my counterpart is clearly a dude, because women don’t think of Fabio and trashy romance novels. It’s 2020 bitch. We’ve been through it. We know
what’s going on and we aren’t completely stupid.
Third of all, who asks Google about love? That’s like asking Web MD about a zit. Before you know it, you have herpes, AIDS, cancer and you have two weeks to live.
Fourth of all, we all grew up with nut town family lives. My dad is an asshole. My mom kept the glue together. I was a latchkey kid. So that has nothing to do with
nothing.
To me, true love is when you are willing to accept just the grossest thing about somebody and be cool with it. Poop. Check. Bad breath. Check. Just acceptance
of the worst part of that person and wanting to hang out with them anyway. That and the best part: They better make you laugh. If you ain’t laughing, you divorcing.