TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | MARCH 2018 25
Advice for Road Trips
I write this with tears in my eyes, as I fear this may be my final run of Bad
Advice. I appear to be dying of Mega Flu 2018, or my sinuses are mildly
agitated. It’s too soon to tell at this point, but if the article prints “In Memory
of Bad Advice By A Beach Bum” assume I have died from not washing my
hands, or possibly from biting that Chocolate Easter Bunny statue at TJ Maxx
because I didn’t realize it was porcelain and for someone who’s almost 30
should really know better than to put things in their mouth in the check-out
line. Anyway, continuing on…
Do you ever feel the need to just get away, to just get in the car and drive?
Maybe you’re a tourist heading to Tybee to live like a local, or maybe you’re
a local heading from Tybee to get away from the tourists. Either way I can
sense (Fun Fact #1: It may be a side effect of early onset death) that you suck
at road trips and you need me and my wisdom to help you survive hours and
hours stuck in a car. So sit down, buckle up (THAT’S A PUN), and prepare
yourself, it’s going to be a bumpy ride! (ANOTHER PUN? OMG TOO MUCH).
Step 1. Decide where you’re headed. And no I can’t make this decision for
you. Just live your own life. Damn.
Step 2. Decide who you will be traveling with. This is the most important
step because you could get stuck with some really awful people. I mean, my
friends are cool, but yours probably aren’t, unless you’re me. Which you’re
not. When gathering your human travel companions, it is vital to judge
everyone based on their pre-road trip behavior. Say your dear friend shows
up with printed off MapQuest directions. Leave that person behind. People
who use MapQuest like to stop at tourist traps, such as: Things containing
the word ‘giant,’ ‘balls of’ (including ‘giant balls of’), and ‘museum’ (including
‘giant balls of ______ museum’).
Step 3. Load the car. This step should not take any time or well thought
out careful planning. Mapping this out ahead of time could set you up to
be comfortable in the car, if you’re not sitting on a back pack with a 2 liter
bottle of Mtn. Dew between your legs, trying to beat the lumps out of your
sweatshirt pillow, should you even be on this road trip. Although I have found
it helps to frequently say things like “Where are the Pringles?” “Don’t squish
that, my laptop’s in there” or “Oh crap I dropped my phone, don’t crash while
I unbuckle.” (Fun Fact #2: Especially do not put effort into making sure the
spare tire is accessible in the unlikely event you have to call AAA) (Ron &
Sean, you’ll never tame me, I REFUSE to learn how to change a tire, plus I’m
dying, remember?)
Step 4. Entertainment on the road. While listening to static and talk radio
may help some of you get your jollies, I prefer to listen to the same 27
songs on my “road trip play list” featuring artists like: Whoever sings that
Cake By the Ocean song, Owl-city, and many many more (I know nothing
about Spotify or Pandora, so those of you who use that just disregard). Also
besides music, it’s important to play games because competition is healthy
for friendship. My favorite road trip game is the License Plate Game. This
game requires a Phillips head screwdriver. The object is to steal as many
license plates as you can without getting caught. And if you get caught, start
rapidly signing with your hands. Deaf people cannot be arrested.
Step 5. Snackage. Pringles. Jerky. Sodium. Caffeine. 2 for $3 Bottled
Water. Sandwiches. All must-haves in the car. Now I know you’re like me,
and you too realize memes have replaced the parts of our brains where we
remembered how to make sandwiches. If you want bread with stuff between
it, you have to stop at Chu’s. I don’t know who makes those sandwiches but
I love them. I also love tearing the tab of the clear plastic triangular sandwich
transportation containers. It makes me happy.
Step 6. Realize that road trips are awful. The only people who enjoy them
are the elderly, and stoners. (Fun Fact #4: There are zero reported cases of
elderly stoners that I am aware of, but let’s be real, I’ve never done an ounce
of research for this column, I just write what I’m thinking, and don’t worry
about the consequences). (Fun Fact #5: I skipped Fun Fact #3)
Step 7. Take a picture of yourself holding the Tybee Beachcomber
somewhere fun, or risqué and submit it to info@tybeebeachcomber.
com for your chance to win the Traveling Beachcomber contest and
be featured in Letter from the Editor. Also, you get your picture in the
magazine or maybe a picture of your dog, if that ass Jimmy ever does
Doggin’ Around again (Fun Fact #6: He doesn’t).
I hope you all stopped reading to google whether or not I died from what,
according to a quick search of my symptoms on WebMD, is a fatal version of
death. #R.I.P. Also, I’ve been planning April’s Bad Advice since June so check
back in less than 30 days to see what crap I concocted this time.
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