By J. Beebs
I was perusing the newspaper the other day, when I noticed that our
recent school bond had passed, which was a pretty neat deal because it
remodels a bunch of schools and even builds us a new high school. But
the part that caught my eye was the very ecstatic board member who was
thanking all the volunteers and organizers, when she wildly exclaimed,
“They did the hard work; now it’s just a matter of time.”
All the hard work has been done? Oh I think not. I mean, I know you’re
excited to have a new school, but let’s not forget the most important part of
this project still remains undone: picking a team name. And while you may
chuckle, if you’re the name picker, I’d advise treading carefully. Because
a bad name can get out of control quickly. Just ask any alumni from the
Rhode Island School of Design, who sports a hockey team called “The
Nads.” As in Go Nads! And not to be outdone, the basketball team is called
“The Balls.” Which I guess works well since the school mascot is called
“Scrotie,” and whatever mental image you have when you read that word
is probably correct. Yes, picking a team name is a very important job. A
very difficult job, not to be underestimated.
Not everyone has failed (or succeeded depending on your point of view)
as miserably as Rhode Island but there are plenty of other questionable
mascots out there. In some cases, the mascots are offensive, such as the
Freeburg Midgets (Illinois), the Laurel Hill Hoboes (Florida) and the Yuma
Criminals (Arizona). Really?? You named the school after thievery? Some
are confusing, like the Rocky Ford Meloneers (Colorado) and Avon Old
Farm Winged Beavers (Connecticut). Meloneer? Winged beavers? What?
Then there’s the names and mascots that should have been good, but after
explaining them 2000 times to everyone who visits, you sort of just give
up. Consider, the Sheldon ORABs, which is named for the school colors,
orange and black. But you know they just have to explain that over and
over, especially to Aunt Dottie when she visits, since she forgets everything
you tell her because she’s always a little liquored up and selectively hard
of hearing. Maybe it’s an Iowa thing. Or the Auburn Red Eddies in Maine.
Red Eddies? I’m not even sure you can explain that. I just don’t get it.
So yes, here we are with a fresh school in need of a name and mascot.
32 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | MARCH 2018
I mean you could play it safe and name it after an animal. Throw an
adjective in front of it, and you get the Fighting Bears. Mighty Ducks. But
you have to be careful with this technique. Screaming Turtles, Kicking
Chickens and Wild Turkeys would not be great mascots. Or I guess you can
just pick a single animal…Yawn. Talk about a boring culture. I think the
most overused mascot in the history of all US Schools is the Mustangs. Go
Mustangs! Yawn.
Some schools are actually named after some aspect of the town’s history.
I can get behind that. There’s the Ridgefield Spudders and Camas
Papermakers of Washington. Both names are a hat tip to the town’s key
industries (potatoes and paper mills). The Syrupmakers of Georgia. The
Crushers of Napa, California. And who could forget the Hesston Swathers
of Kansas. Here’s a hat tip to all those hay fields. Just a few examples of
solid good team/mascot thinking there. Clearly those schools didn’t rest
after the bond was issued; they knew the hard work was just starting!
Which brings me back to my current dilemma: what are we going to call
this school? I mean, I’m typing this from my top secret location on the
West Coast. So what do we know about the West Coast. Well, according
to Google, the West Coast is known for Sunshine, The Redwood Forest,
Rivers, Mountains, and Coffee. And although you won’t find it in Google, I’d
just add that it seems like everyone and their dog has a Weed grow right
now. So, based on my own logic, I present to you our newest high school…
Home of the Pot Smoking Baristas!
Crap. You know that’s never going to fly. It would be legendary. But I
think we need a safer bet…Go Mustangs!
Go Pot Smoking
Baristas!