HUMOR
Things My Mother Never Told Me
Growing up, I received advice from both of my parents. They each had
their own style and viewpoint. My father’s veered from sarcasm to simple
economics, such as “never lend money, especially not to a friend and, in
particular, not a relative.” My mother’s words were generally more universal
in that they sounded as though they came from the official list of things
you must tell your children, such as, “I’ve told you a million times, don’t
exaggerate.”
At times, I was given advice about everything from what to eat to how to
act in school. Many of these remarks have lived on in my subconscious mind
for over three quarters of a century. Others went in one ear and out the other,
just as my father believed they would. However, I have discovered that with
a little effort, I can clearly recall my mother never saying any of the following
phrases:
Don’t use a napkin. Wipe it on your shirt.
You can’t see from back there. Move closer to the TV.
Don’t take a jacket. It probably won’t get colder this evening.
Leave the lights on. It’s worth the extra few cents.
Eat whatever you want. It won’t make any difference to your body.
If you use sunscreen, you won’t get a good tan.
You don’t have to finish your food, as it won’t help others who are
starving.
If your friends’ parents say it is all right, it is all right with us.
Don’t bother calling home. If we don’t hear from you, we’ll know that
everything is all right.
Don’t clean your room. It will just get messy again.
Spend as much money as you want. We’ll give you more if you want it.
Don’t worry about the speed limit, as long as you feel safe.
You don’t have to take care of your sisters and brother. They can take
care of themselves.
You don’t have to study. School is just a waste of time.
Someday, I hope that you have a child that is totally different from you.
You don’t have to listen to your babysitter. We pay her enough to take
your abuse.
Of course, this is just a short list of the things I know I never heard come
from my mother’s month. What I do remember her telling me would fill
a book. And, had I followed even a simple majority of them, I would be
a far better person today. However, now that I look back, I think that my
father may have said some of the above statements to me, just to see if I
was listening.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Aaron Fodiman grew up in Stamford, Connecticut, where his father Yale was
also born and raised. However, his mother Thelma was a Southern belle from New Orleans and is the
one responsible for the softer, more gentle side of Aaron, as you might have guessed from the above.
100 I’m not myself today and everybody has noticed the improvement