During my lifetime, I have had literally thousands
of relationships. I began with my family, then added others
who I met along the way, such as at school, camp or in
the neighborhood. Later came lovers, business associates
and a multitude of others who crossed my path.
However, my longest and closest relationship has been with myself.
It has taken me many years to recognize the fact that there were two of
me – one being who I was and the other being who I pretended to be. I am
speaking not just philosophically, but also as a result of slowly attaining
self knowledge. That learning process has been the most difficult that I
have ever attempted, and I fully realize that I probably am still in the
beginning stages of this exploration that involves self-confrontation
and the ability to recognize fear and accept it as a part of my own
persona.
It seems as though most of the difference between what I am and
what I act like is devised as a method for me to deal with my fears.
The most crushing of these is the fear that I am not good enough.
When I use the term “good,” I don’t mean in a moral way, but rather
on a personal level of confidence, such as I don’t work hard enough,
or that I’m not smart enough. Since I don’t have a gauge to actually
measure against, I’ve come to realize that I really don’t know what
“enough” is. This has led me to think less about myself and more
about others. In doing so, the mask of disguise comes into play, as
I stop being myself and, instead, try to become in their eyes that
which I believe they would want me to be. However, when I do that,
I lose me. While facing this dilemma, I am torn from side to side, as I
wrestle with which way to go.
Lately, I have chosen to just be me, say what I think, and do what
I want. This selfish approach to life seems to be working best for me.
I’m sure there are others who would prefer me to be otherwise, but I’m
discovering that the more I follow my own path, the more I enjoy life
and living.
I know that this type of thinking goes against what we are taught, so
I justify my actions by reminding myself that I have but one life to live,
and the person I should be most accountable to is myself. While this
may not resemble my usual humor, it is still quite laughable in that
after so many years, I have not been able to rid myself of the fear
that I am not “good” enough by being only me and nothing more.
Now, when I look in the mirror, my mask is gone and I see only me.
It certainly isn’t the Cary Grant image I had of myself before. But, that is
fine, as I doubt that anyone other than me saw the mask that I thought I
was wearing in the same way that I did.
Try taking your mask off, and just be you. I don’t know about
others, but I bet that you’ll like the way it feels.
I’m not myself today and everybody has noticed the improvement 19